"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful...No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me... apart from me you can do nothing." John 15: 1-2, 4, 5
I only have praises in my lips to my loving Father today, he is so awesome, so great. In his mercy and grace He has grant me life, every breath I take is by his grace only, every moment is a gift... like Madisa's song says... today the blue sky is bluer, the green grass is greener, the bright sun is brighter...
I had my MRI done at Shands Tuesday, saw the doctor and his feedback was... "Sofia, you do not need surgery. The mass still there, but probably as we suspected before, you had that mass since you were born, and you may have the mass for the rest of your life"... then, he gave the mass a fancy name... L'hermite Duclos, Hema Dysplacia...or something like that... he said that honestly he has no answers or reasons that explain why the mass had swollen on the first place, and how it shrunk after... the had no explanation for all the things that took me to the hospital 2 times and kept me for 5 days in a bed each time...
At this point the mass has no grow, change shape or texture, he assured me is not a tumor, not cancer, otherwise it would have shown changes already. He assured me and show me the MRI slides, the mass is not harmful, is not blocking any chambers, the fluid is good and flowing normally.
Whats next? he advices he keep following up with an MRI in 6 months, then if no changes another MRI in a year, then in 2 years, 3 and so on...
Is this doctor taking it too lightly? well, it is not just this doctor... there is a team of doctors that discuss my case, the head doctor is the one that talked to me...however, no matter how many degrees a doctor carries, they are just humans, they don't know everything, but my confidence is in the great physician "God".
It's been a 5 month journey for me... pain, fear, anger, confusion... my faith has been tested, and God has shown me many aspects of my heart that I was not aware of, I have learned a lot of things, especially to trust in Him completely. I still have so much more to learn, I am glad the Lord is not done with me yet =) But, my faith has become stronger, my self-confidence has been change to confidence in Him, the way I see life is much different now... I am living and enjoying my present much more instead of living in the past and working so hard for the future (that only God holds for me).
Today, I had another counseling session (maybe the last one). I am so bless I was referred to this counseling center (and my counselor in particular).
I'm not sure if the Lord is telling me something, but the counselor told me something a friend just told me a day ago... unconditional love... love people just as they are, don't expect them to react to a situation the way you will react, because everyone is different. Don't cut them off your life just because they did not respond to you the way you would have respond if you would have been in the same situation ...
we do not have the power to change people, we just have to accept them the way they are... that's to love unconditionally, no strings attached.
She told me "just like a butterfly, if you disrupt the natural process of the cocoon, the way it needs to mature before the butterfly comes out... if you blow on it, or try to get the butterfly out before time, then you end killing the butterfly... sometimes you just need to wait and watch it grow, mature, and love the process, love the imperfect cocoon, and wait.
Although I've been writing the blog to keep everyone updated about my health and doctors results... I may keep writing more, I have really enjoyed sharing with my good friends the "happenings" in my life, Bible verses, and more.
Love you all, thank you for all your prayers, I know God heard everyone of them.
God bless you,
Sofia
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
"No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it. See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess." Deut. 30: 14-16
When reading Daniel I started to think about the following verse: "At the first light of dawn, the king got up and hurried to the lions den. When he came near the den, he called to Daniel in an anguished voice, "Daniel, servant of the living God, has your God, whom you serve continually, been able to rescue you from the lions?" Daniel answered, "O king, live forever! My God sent his angel, and he shut the mouths of the lions. they have not hurt me, because I was found innocent in his sight." Daniel 6:19-22
Are we innocent/righteous in the sight of God? Of course we are! By the blood of Jesus we are, praises to Him for his sacrifice for us. I choose life, I love my Lord my God, I want to walk in his ways and keep his commands; but, I know I am not perfect and that I have failed in the past and that I am going to fall in the future, so I need Jesus, and I have the assurance that my Jesus will help me to get up every time, and that because of him I am white as snow, innocent in the eyes of my father God, so when trouble, suffering and trials (the lions) come my way... My God will send his angels to shut the mouths of the lions that want to destroy me.
There is a song by Nataly Grant "I will not be moved" based on 2nd Cor. 4:8 "I may stumble, I may fall down, I will face heartaches, but I will not be moved". On 2nd Cor 4:8 we read: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
Horeb a mountain of desolation but also hope. At Horeb Moses spent a lot of time during his 40 year exile (waiting and who knows maybe without hope in the future, but just to pasture sheeps). At Horeb is believed Elijah found himself in a cave and he wanted to die. But, at the same mountain, later on Moses met with God and Elijah overcame the spirit of Jezebel..if you have the time, read the stories (Exodus 3-4, 19-33/ 1Kings 19)... Many times we see ourselves in a place of desolation, a dessert that never ends, no way out, no hope... struggles with money, jobs, stability, relationships... in my case a place that I am waiting and waiting for healing. but, our present situation (our Horeb) whatever it is, needs to be put in the hands of God... so many things we can learn in this place: To: Wait and be patient, Trust God, Have not self-confidence, but confidence in God, and to allow God to shape us. See, difficult times exposes our hearts... what really is inside us, and reveal to us where our confidence and trust lies. Most of the times, we experience God during difficult times, we come closer to him, and learn a lot, we grow stronger.
I read about some men doing stonework for a church. One of them was chiseling a piece of stone, another man asked What are you doing with that? the worker said "see that little opening away up there near the spire? well, I'm shaping this down here, so it will fit in up there."
God will use our trial to shape us for our future, let's not waste the pain of difficult times, let's allow God to use those difficult times to transform us, to heal us; our God can turn/ bring good from bad, there is nothing impossible for him. Our Horeb can be a place of new beginnings.
God is the medicine for our suffering (spiritual or physical) Psalms 107:20 reads: "He sent forth his word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave."
There is a book I've been reading "Hope resurrected" by Dutch Sheets, if you have the chance get the book and read it; the book refers to several Bible verses that have inspired me and help me understand and accept the times at "Horeb". I wish I could re-type the book and share it with you =)
I am going to Gainesville this Monday coming... please keep praying with me for a miracle.
When reading Daniel I started to think about the following verse: "At the first light of dawn, the king got up and hurried to the lions den. When he came near the den, he called to Daniel in an anguished voice, "Daniel, servant of the living God, has your God, whom you serve continually, been able to rescue you from the lions?" Daniel answered, "O king, live forever! My God sent his angel, and he shut the mouths of the lions. they have not hurt me, because I was found innocent in his sight." Daniel 6:19-22
Are we innocent/righteous in the sight of God? Of course we are! By the blood of Jesus we are, praises to Him for his sacrifice for us. I choose life, I love my Lord my God, I want to walk in his ways and keep his commands; but, I know I am not perfect and that I have failed in the past and that I am going to fall in the future, so I need Jesus, and I have the assurance that my Jesus will help me to get up every time, and that because of him I am white as snow, innocent in the eyes of my father God, so when trouble, suffering and trials (the lions) come my way... My God will send his angels to shut the mouths of the lions that want to destroy me.
There is a song by Nataly Grant "I will not be moved" based on 2nd Cor. 4:8 "I may stumble, I may fall down, I will face heartaches, but I will not be moved". On 2nd Cor 4:8 we read: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
Horeb a mountain of desolation but also hope. At Horeb Moses spent a lot of time during his 40 year exile (waiting and who knows maybe without hope in the future, but just to pasture sheeps). At Horeb is believed Elijah found himself in a cave and he wanted to die. But, at the same mountain, later on Moses met with God and Elijah overcame the spirit of Jezebel..if you have the time, read the stories (Exodus 3-4, 19-33/ 1Kings 19)... Many times we see ourselves in a place of desolation, a dessert that never ends, no way out, no hope... struggles with money, jobs, stability, relationships... in my case a place that I am waiting and waiting for healing. but, our present situation (our Horeb) whatever it is, needs to be put in the hands of God... so many things we can learn in this place: To: Wait and be patient, Trust God, Have not self-confidence, but confidence in God, and to allow God to shape us. See, difficult times exposes our hearts... what really is inside us, and reveal to us where our confidence and trust lies. Most of the times, we experience God during difficult times, we come closer to him, and learn a lot, we grow stronger.
I read about some men doing stonework for a church. One of them was chiseling a piece of stone, another man asked What are you doing with that? the worker said "see that little opening away up there near the spire? well, I'm shaping this down here, so it will fit in up there."
God will use our trial to shape us for our future, let's not waste the pain of difficult times, let's allow God to use those difficult times to transform us, to heal us; our God can turn/ bring good from bad, there is nothing impossible for him. Our Horeb can be a place of new beginnings.
God is the medicine for our suffering (spiritual or physical) Psalms 107:20 reads: "He sent forth his word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave."
There is a book I've been reading "Hope resurrected" by Dutch Sheets, if you have the chance get the book and read it; the book refers to several Bible verses that have inspired me and help me understand and accept the times at "Horeb". I wish I could re-type the book and share it with you =)
I am going to Gainesville this Monday coming... please keep praying with me for a miracle.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Thursday April 29, 2010
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1: 2-4
I haven't been able to update my blog lately, but I'll try to be better from now on =)
Went to a new neurologist on Tuesday, after she looked at my chart she said "steroids may reduce a tumor, but the way your tumor has decreased in size is not usual... I've seen a few cases where tumors dicrease or dissapear, but there is no explanation for it. I can't explain clinically how come your tumor has dicreased in size that much". I told her I am praying about it, and that there is a lot of people praying for me; she answered me..."well, keep praying, because it is working".
Although there are many things I still have to face, and only God knows what is to come, I am so blessed to have hope, to have friends that care about me, praying for me, always ready to help. My eyes are back to normal and I can enjoy driving and looking at the beauty of nature (including my beautiful Bethany). My energy has increased and I am going for daily walks, taking care of my house, Bethany and myself... the only thing that I can say is that the Lord is awesome and so good to us although we do not deserve it.
May 18, 730 am my next appointment at Shands... I am waiting and hoping the mass keeps shrinking or maybe even will be gone by then, I am hopefull, please keep praying for me. Whatever is to come let not my will, but the Lord's will in my life.
Thanks for your prayers and for keeping me in mind =)
I haven't been able to update my blog lately, but I'll try to be better from now on =)
Went to a new neurologist on Tuesday, after she looked at my chart she said "steroids may reduce a tumor, but the way your tumor has decreased in size is not usual... I've seen a few cases where tumors dicrease or dissapear, but there is no explanation for it. I can't explain clinically how come your tumor has dicreased in size that much". I told her I am praying about it, and that there is a lot of people praying for me; she answered me..."well, keep praying, because it is working".
Although there are many things I still have to face, and only God knows what is to come, I am so blessed to have hope, to have friends that care about me, praying for me, always ready to help. My eyes are back to normal and I can enjoy driving and looking at the beauty of nature (including my beautiful Bethany). My energy has increased and I am going for daily walks, taking care of my house, Bethany and myself... the only thing that I can say is that the Lord is awesome and so good to us although we do not deserve it.
May 18, 730 am my next appointment at Shands... I am waiting and hoping the mass keeps shrinking or maybe even will be gone by then, I am hopefull, please keep praying for me. Whatever is to come let not my will, but the Lord's will in my life.
Thanks for your prayers and for keeping me in mind =)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
"I will sing to the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the Lord." Psalm 104:33
A friend wrote "thank you God for more time", very simple, very real. Sometimes we take our lives for granted without realizing every day is a gift, every time we breath, every time we look around and are able to see the beautiful creation God made for us to enjoy, every time someone smiles and we can smile back, every time we can hug our kids and tell them we love them... every day, every moment is a gift from God.
I've been staying with my best friend Julia for almost 2 weeks now (thank you Julie for your love, your care and your patience with me!). I have enjoyed her friendship, her kids, beautiful walks around the bay, and nature... we can find healing of the soul and body by spending time with good friends, enjoying the outdoors, rejoicing with the Lord's creation and casual conversations with Him.
I took my Bethany for a picnic day over the pier, and a nature walk, then for a walk over the bay; the water was very cold, but she did not care, she went into the water to catch hermit crabs (she is not afraid of them, even the big ones!) and I had so much fun by watching her, seeing her so happy.
I am coming back home this weekend, and next week back to the swing of life. Taking care of Bethany, going back to work, taking care of my lovely home that our good Lord provided for me. Am I 100%? nope; however I am doing better, less headaches, and finally off the steroids (yeah!) no more shaking of hands and legs, no more acne, no more popeye's face, my vision is much better now, and no weird behavior and sleepless nights; but, there are other things that I guess I have to learn to live with, and be happy, I am still up and running, and taking care of my Bethany. I've been so afraid about the future..."what if".. "what if"... and I have come to the realization I can't live like that, I have to live the present, I am good today, I can see, walk and move my arms, praise God for it! live without fear and enjoy the present time, the "now" and forget about being worry about the future, God will take care of my future..." He knows all the days ordained for me", He is the one that upholds my health and my life as he does for all of us sick or healthy, when the day comes to go home, or get really sick, then the day will just come and will be the time to deal with it, not now.
I have to go back to Shands in 3 weeks, another MRI and Dr. appointment, please keep praying with me that the mass keeps shrinking or at least is not growing more.
I'll keep you updated with the "happenings"...
=) Sofia
A friend wrote "thank you God for more time", very simple, very real. Sometimes we take our lives for granted without realizing every day is a gift, every time we breath, every time we look around and are able to see the beautiful creation God made for us to enjoy, every time someone smiles and we can smile back, every time we can hug our kids and tell them we love them... every day, every moment is a gift from God.
I've been staying with my best friend Julia for almost 2 weeks now (thank you Julie for your love, your care and your patience with me!). I have enjoyed her friendship, her kids, beautiful walks around the bay, and nature... we can find healing of the soul and body by spending time with good friends, enjoying the outdoors, rejoicing with the Lord's creation and casual conversations with Him.
I took my Bethany for a picnic day over the pier, and a nature walk, then for a walk over the bay; the water was very cold, but she did not care, she went into the water to catch hermit crabs (she is not afraid of them, even the big ones!) and I had so much fun by watching her, seeing her so happy.
I am coming back home this weekend, and next week back to the swing of life. Taking care of Bethany, going back to work, taking care of my lovely home that our good Lord provided for me. Am I 100%? nope; however I am doing better, less headaches, and finally off the steroids (yeah!) no more shaking of hands and legs, no more acne, no more popeye's face, my vision is much better now, and no weird behavior and sleepless nights; but, there are other things that I guess I have to learn to live with, and be happy, I am still up and running, and taking care of my Bethany. I've been so afraid about the future..."what if".. "what if"... and I have come to the realization I can't live like that, I have to live the present, I am good today, I can see, walk and move my arms, praise God for it! live without fear and enjoy the present time, the "now" and forget about being worry about the future, God will take care of my future..." He knows all the days ordained for me", He is the one that upholds my health and my life as he does for all of us sick or healthy, when the day comes to go home, or get really sick, then the day will just come and will be the time to deal with it, not now.
I have to go back to Shands in 3 weeks, another MRI and Dr. appointment, please keep praying with me that the mass keeps shrinking or at least is not growing more.
I'll keep you updated with the "happenings"...
=) Sofia
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
"He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs;" Psalm 107:35
Healing time... time to rest, gain strength, healing of the soul and mind. I cannot find answers to many things that are happening to me, but I am learning day by day to rest in the Lord and to find peace knowing He is in control and He knows what is happening to me, that He will bring healing at the right time and that his plans for me are not to hurt me, but take care of me. I am learning to be patient and to let things go (letting Him be in control, not me). It is not easy... but, the Lord is good, He's brought to me really good friend that are helping me, praying for me, encouraging me when I am down; I see His hands reaching down to me through his people.
Although I feel like my life has been cut in a way (not been able to work, if I am sick not been able to take care of Bethany, sometimes not driving because of blurry vision, etc) I can say I am blessed, I am learning so much during this time of trial, meeting wonderful people, being touch by their lives, and getting to know friends I had for a long time, but that hectic life did not allow me to really "know" them and allowing them to get to know the "real me".
Please keep Bethany and myself in prayer... Bethany misses me, but can't take care of her right now 'til I get better. For me 'cause although the brain mass is shrinking (and God allowing will keep shrinking), there are so many other things going on with me that the doctors have no answer to and really slowing me down like ... taking care of my Bethany, house, work, etc. It could be fear of the unknown, I have to go back to Shands in 6 weeks for another MRI and see the progress of the mass, 'til then I am in "Limbo"... but, enough of me... I have to say that when in Shands I really found encouragement from my friend that was receiving treatment there... If I think I am having a rough time, you should see my friend... her body is going through so much, but she keeps the battle, chin up, and fighting like a soldier, not giving up. (I love you Karen, you inspire me, and I keep praying for a quick healing).
God blessings to all of you,
Healing time... time to rest, gain strength, healing of the soul and mind. I cannot find answers to many things that are happening to me, but I am learning day by day to rest in the Lord and to find peace knowing He is in control and He knows what is happening to me, that He will bring healing at the right time and that his plans for me are not to hurt me, but take care of me. I am learning to be patient and to let things go (letting Him be in control, not me). It is not easy... but, the Lord is good, He's brought to me really good friend that are helping me, praying for me, encouraging me when I am down; I see His hands reaching down to me through his people.
Although I feel like my life has been cut in a way (not been able to work, if I am sick not been able to take care of Bethany, sometimes not driving because of blurry vision, etc) I can say I am blessed, I am learning so much during this time of trial, meeting wonderful people, being touch by their lives, and getting to know friends I had for a long time, but that hectic life did not allow me to really "know" them and allowing them to get to know the "real me".
Please keep Bethany and myself in prayer... Bethany misses me, but can't take care of her right now 'til I get better. For me 'cause although the brain mass is shrinking (and God allowing will keep shrinking), there are so many other things going on with me that the doctors have no answer to and really slowing me down like ... taking care of my Bethany, house, work, etc. It could be fear of the unknown, I have to go back to Shands in 6 weeks for another MRI and see the progress of the mass, 'til then I am in "Limbo"... but, enough of me... I have to say that when in Shands I really found encouragement from my friend that was receiving treatment there... If I think I am having a rough time, you should see my friend... her body is going through so much, but she keeps the battle, chin up, and fighting like a soldier, not giving up. (I love you Karen, you inspire me, and I keep praying for a quick healing).
God blessings to all of you,
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
"How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! It is like precious oil poured on the head... For the Lord bestows his blessings, even life forevermore." Psalm 133: 1-3
I should be heading back home tomorrow. I was discharged from the hospital, but no ride home 'til Tuesday. Long story short, I did not have a place to stay, and the doctors did not want me to stay by myself in a hotel, because of the new meds they have me in. So, He blessed me one more time, and a friend receiving treatment at Shands (at the same time I was there) offered me her parent's place to stay 'til I can be picked up. Staying with her parents has been a blessing, we can always learn so much from others and rejoice fellowship with new friends. By sharing with them God has reminded me that my life and health is in his hands, that only He knows the days of my life and my future... I have realize that although I say I trust Him, many times I fail and try to take control of all things, and when I can't control a situation I break down (my health is something I have no control over it, when things don't seem good, and doctors can't figure out what is wrong, I get very frustraded and down). The Lord is working in my life, sometimes it hurts, but I still need to learn so much more, and learn to trust Him overall.
I should be heading back home tomorrow. I was discharged from the hospital, but no ride home 'til Tuesday. Long story short, I did not have a place to stay, and the doctors did not want me to stay by myself in a hotel, because of the new meds they have me in. So, He blessed me one more time, and a friend receiving treatment at Shands (at the same time I was there) offered me her parent's place to stay 'til I can be picked up. Staying with her parents has been a blessing, we can always learn so much from others and rejoice fellowship with new friends. By sharing with them God has reminded me that my life and health is in his hands, that only He knows the days of my life and my future... I have realize that although I say I trust Him, many times I fail and try to take control of all things, and when I can't control a situation I break down (my health is something I have no control over it, when things don't seem good, and doctors can't figure out what is wrong, I get very frustraded and down). The Lord is working in my life, sometimes it hurts, but I still need to learn so much more, and learn to trust Him overall.
Friday, March 26, 2010
March 26, 2010
"O Lord, the king rejoices in your strength. How great is his joy in the victories you give! you have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips... He asked you for life, and you gave it to him - length of days, forever and ever." Psalm 21: 1-5
Our lives are in His hands... I don't know exactly what is He doing in my life, but I do recognize His hands working with a purpose all the way.
The head of the neurosurgery dpt visited me today, he gave me good news, he confirmed the mass is shrinking... he said "shrinking of a mass like yours is very unusual, I only know 2 cases where shrinking happened. However is still there, so we have to keep it in observation". In 2 months I have to come, get another MRI and see him. He is taking me totally from the steroids (and I am very happy about it). I told him that I praise God for it... there is nothing impossible for our amazing God. Now, the mass still there, anything can happen from now on, but ... anything can happen to any of us at any moment... we could slip and fall, be hit by a car, etc and go home with God... as the Bible verse says "... all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be...". Psalm 139:16
Now, the doctors have no answer for what happened to me on Tuesday, but they are treating my severe chronic migraines. I have a neurologist here now working on my case... according to the doctors I never had a stroke, but we want to treat the chronic migraines to avoid one and get under control these things that are happening to me.
Today was not a good day, they tried a new med for the chronic pain, and I did not react well to it, actually I had an awful day, tomorrow I'll see the neurologist again, and probably try a new drug again, hope this time I will react well to it. I am also receiving this Heparin injections in my belly, and they are not fun. They are to avoid blood clots to form, since I am in bed for long periods of time.
I may stay 'til Friday, the doctors want me to take it easy 'til then, so I am going to continue working for my momma (which I really enjoy) for the hours my body can tolerate, and enjoy the company of my sisters in Christ.
I gotta go for now, I had a though day, I feel like I've been hit by a bus, but I am bless and happy since I won't have to have surgery or radiation or chemo... things may change in the future, but for now my amazing God has spare me from it, and I pray he will grant me a long life, that he will allow me to see my grandchildren and be there for my Bethany to help her out racing her kids. My life is in His hands.
Love you all, and hope to see you soon.
Our lives are in His hands... I don't know exactly what is He doing in my life, but I do recognize His hands working with a purpose all the way.
The head of the neurosurgery dpt visited me today, he gave me good news, he confirmed the mass is shrinking... he said "shrinking of a mass like yours is very unusual, I only know 2 cases where shrinking happened. However is still there, so we have to keep it in observation". In 2 months I have to come, get another MRI and see him. He is taking me totally from the steroids (and I am very happy about it). I told him that I praise God for it... there is nothing impossible for our amazing God. Now, the mass still there, anything can happen from now on, but ... anything can happen to any of us at any moment... we could slip and fall, be hit by a car, etc and go home with God... as the Bible verse says "... all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be...". Psalm 139:16
Now, the doctors have no answer for what happened to me on Tuesday, but they are treating my severe chronic migraines. I have a neurologist here now working on my case... according to the doctors I never had a stroke, but we want to treat the chronic migraines to avoid one and get under control these things that are happening to me.
Today was not a good day, they tried a new med for the chronic pain, and I did not react well to it, actually I had an awful day, tomorrow I'll see the neurologist again, and probably try a new drug again, hope this time I will react well to it. I am also receiving this Heparin injections in my belly, and they are not fun. They are to avoid blood clots to form, since I am in bed for long periods of time.
I may stay 'til Friday, the doctors want me to take it easy 'til then, so I am going to continue working for my momma (which I really enjoy) for the hours my body can tolerate, and enjoy the company of my sisters in Christ.
I gotta go for now, I had a though day, I feel like I've been hit by a bus, but I am bless and happy since I won't have to have surgery or radiation or chemo... things may change in the future, but for now my amazing God has spare me from it, and I pray he will grant me a long life, that he will allow me to see my grandchildren and be there for my Bethany to help her out racing her kids. My life is in His hands.
Love you all, and hope to see you soon.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Thursday, March 25 2010
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
This Bible verse I read in a moment of complete confusion... The EMS guys were rolling me into the hospital (Shands in Gainesville) and here they have a wall with tiles made by little kids that are fighting cancer... when waiting for the elevator, that tile with the Bible verse really touched my heart.
I was doing better I thought, but on Tuesday I was cooking dinner for Bethany and myself, I was happy to have Bethany with me and I had a fun night prepared for us, I was looking forward to see her and spend time with her... all of the sudden my arms and legs went numb, felt like fainting, blurred vision and horrible nausea... next I called mama Susan and my sister in Christ Belinda rushed to my house and took me to the emergency room (Gulf Coast). run CT Scan, MRI, not a stroke, actually the good news is that the brain growth mass is shrinking, it has shrink 1cm. but the Doctors had no clue what is going on with me. They admitted me, and at least the doctors were honest enough to say : " We do not know what to do, cause we don't know what is going on with you" so they transferred me by ambulance last night here to Shands".
If you haven't been transported in an ambulance before (hope you never will) I feel sorry for people with broken bones or serious things going on, because on the back of that ambulance you feel everything, every bump, every move, etc and the (whatever are call) beds, are as hard as a rock... and we traveled for about 6 hours!!! the EMS guys were really nice though, so I had a good ride here.
It was very difficult to kiss my Bethany good bye yesterday and telling here that I will be in the hospital for a while, we hugged, she cried, and I cried too. I honestly don't understand many things, doctors don't understand either what is going on... but God knows, and in that time of confusion is when I saw that Bible verse that a little kid decided to write in the form of art work.
My faith is little, but just like the song says "whatever you are doing inside of me, it is ok... you are up to something bigger than me"... I still need to learn to trust in the Lord completely and let things go, let him take complete control of my life, and now I see I haven't been doing that.
This hospital is really nice, I have my own bedroom with a big window and a beautiful view. the nurses and staff are very nice. I've been seen by 5 doctors already, but the head of the neurosurgery dpt has been on surgery all day long, so the other doctors that are under him are waiting to meet with him tomorrow, and sometime in the morning tomorrow they will see me and tell me what is going on...
You know, I just realize that sometimes we can receive news, even if they are not the ones you want to hear, but at least you prepare your mind for it... but is very difficult to face the unknown... however, that is the time when we have to trust God and "lean not on our own understanding", because we have to trust He has the perfect plan for our lives.
I praise Him, He soooo knows when my faith is falling apart, when I am broken and I start loosing it, then in a way that I least expect He send his word to me, that comfort me and bring me strength.
All these is opening my eyes as well as the importance of the body of Christ, how bless I am to have my family around... my sisters and brothers in Christ. Now here in Gainesville I don't know anyone, however my mama Susan has put me in touch with a good friend of her that will be visiting tomorrow and have some of the elders of the church coming to pray with me tomorrow... there was so much love in her voice when she called me this afternoon... God always reaches out to us in ways that we never expect...
Thank you for keeping me in your prayers, I really need them, and hope to see you all very soon.
This Bible verse I read in a moment of complete confusion... The EMS guys were rolling me into the hospital (Shands in Gainesville) and here they have a wall with tiles made by little kids that are fighting cancer... when waiting for the elevator, that tile with the Bible verse really touched my heart.
I was doing better I thought, but on Tuesday I was cooking dinner for Bethany and myself, I was happy to have Bethany with me and I had a fun night prepared for us, I was looking forward to see her and spend time with her... all of the sudden my arms and legs went numb, felt like fainting, blurred vision and horrible nausea... next I called mama Susan and my sister in Christ Belinda rushed to my house and took me to the emergency room (Gulf Coast). run CT Scan, MRI, not a stroke, actually the good news is that the brain growth mass is shrinking, it has shrink 1cm. but the Doctors had no clue what is going on with me. They admitted me, and at least the doctors were honest enough to say : " We do not know what to do, cause we don't know what is going on with you" so they transferred me by ambulance last night here to Shands".
If you haven't been transported in an ambulance before (hope you never will) I feel sorry for people with broken bones or serious things going on, because on the back of that ambulance you feel everything, every bump, every move, etc and the (whatever are call) beds, are as hard as a rock... and we traveled for about 6 hours!!! the EMS guys were really nice though, so I had a good ride here.
It was very difficult to kiss my Bethany good bye yesterday and telling here that I will be in the hospital for a while, we hugged, she cried, and I cried too. I honestly don't understand many things, doctors don't understand either what is going on... but God knows, and in that time of confusion is when I saw that Bible verse that a little kid decided to write in the form of art work.
My faith is little, but just like the song says "whatever you are doing inside of me, it is ok... you are up to something bigger than me"... I still need to learn to trust in the Lord completely and let things go, let him take complete control of my life, and now I see I haven't been doing that.
This hospital is really nice, I have my own bedroom with a big window and a beautiful view. the nurses and staff are very nice. I've been seen by 5 doctors already, but the head of the neurosurgery dpt has been on surgery all day long, so the other doctors that are under him are waiting to meet with him tomorrow, and sometime in the morning tomorrow they will see me and tell me what is going on...
You know, I just realize that sometimes we can receive news, even if they are not the ones you want to hear, but at least you prepare your mind for it... but is very difficult to face the unknown... however, that is the time when we have to trust God and "lean not on our own understanding", because we have to trust He has the perfect plan for our lives.
I praise Him, He soooo knows when my faith is falling apart, when I am broken and I start loosing it, then in a way that I least expect He send his word to me, that comfort me and bring me strength.
All these is opening my eyes as well as the importance of the body of Christ, how bless I am to have my family around... my sisters and brothers in Christ. Now here in Gainesville I don't know anyone, however my mama Susan has put me in touch with a good friend of her that will be visiting tomorrow and have some of the elders of the church coming to pray with me tomorrow... there was so much love in her voice when she called me this afternoon... God always reaches out to us in ways that we never expect...
Thank you for keeping me in your prayers, I really need them, and hope to see you all very soon.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
"Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 16
The verse above has given me a lot of peace. I worry so much about what may happen next, but God keeps telling me... "I already know, I am in control, and you will be fine, I will never leave you, never forsake you, I know everything that you are going to do, and the days that you are going to live, and all that I am allowing is according to my plan, my perfect plan" ... sometimes is just so hard for me to listen and understand when He talks to me, I am so happy He is so patient and loves me no matter what.
The Dr. from Shands is taking me off the steroids (Thank you Lord), but on Tuesday the 16th I had my first withdrawal from the drug. I felt like dying, and thought I was... I've never felt that awful feeling before, I can't describe it, the only thing I can say is that I was shaking, crying, feeling like the world was crushing down on me, and that I was about to die... I almost broke the slow process of lowering the those of the steroid (I am still taking it, but every day I have to extend 2 hours before taking it), I was about to take 4 of them at the same time just to feel better (that would have been really bad). I call my (mama) my good friend Susan, she started to pray for me on the phone and sent her sister to take me to the doctor right away. What did the doctor say? she run a couple of test and sent me out for another one, but according to her knowledge I was having a withdrawal from the drug. All the other test that she run, including the one she sent me to another place, were ok. I am fine, I am not dying... Then the Dr. I am seeing in Shands, the PA called me back, and she said the same thing, she told me that I am going to experience a lot of things, that I am going to feel awful 'til my body detoxifies completely... I still have 6 more days to go to be entirely off that horrible chemical, and for what I know, about a week or 2 until my body completely eliminates the drug. Please help me with prayers, there are times I feel just fine, but then I have my moments, and feel terrible, can't really describe it, is a very weird feeling I have never experience in my life before.
Now, this gives me a complete different perspective about addiction, and about my brother and sister that are in a rehab program or are walking down the street living with an addiction that can not break from. If what I am taking (prescribed drug) and been monitored by a Doctor and taking away so slowly is causing me withdrawal symptoms and it so hard on me and producing this horrible, terrible feelings in my body... How hard it must be for my brothers and sisters to try to get clean and free of an illegal drug that their bodies have become addicted to?
I am just getting a small glimpse of what they go through.
Sometimes I say... well, it was their decision to start taking a drug on the first place, but then I realize that is the wrong way of thinking... yes, it was their decision to take it, but... Don't we all make mistakes... Don't we all fall at some point and do something we know we are not suppose to do?, and this poor souls made the big mistake of trying something their bodies will get attach to... sometimes, it takes only one time. Our bodies are unique, we all react differently; some of us can take a type of drug for a period of time and don't become addicted to it, for others one or 2 times and that's it, they are addicted, and at that point they don't realize it, they continue with it thinking they are in control, but in reality the chemical has taken control of their lives already.
I have to confess that I've been very bad at judging people on this subject, by this experience God is working in my heart and letting me see addiction, and my brother and sister walking on the street, in a different way. When reading my Bible, this verse cross my way "Do not judge, or you too will be judge. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judge, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2
I'll be going to Shands in 9 days (If God wants) I should have a concrete answer about what is next by then. For now I am just fighting a sinus infection (that creates more pressure on my head and is driving me crazy) and the up and downs of cleaning my body from the horrible steroids.
If I receive any news I'll keep you posted... Julia Gazagnaire (my best friend) will be helping me with the blog once in a while if I am not available to keep the blog up, and keep you posted on what is going on.
"Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble. The Lord will protect him and preserve his life; he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes." Psalm 41: 1-2
The verse above has given me a lot of peace. I worry so much about what may happen next, but God keeps telling me... "I already know, I am in control, and you will be fine, I will never leave you, never forsake you, I know everything that you are going to do, and the days that you are going to live, and all that I am allowing is according to my plan, my perfect plan" ... sometimes is just so hard for me to listen and understand when He talks to me, I am so happy He is so patient and loves me no matter what.
The Dr. from Shands is taking me off the steroids (Thank you Lord), but on Tuesday the 16th I had my first withdrawal from the drug. I felt like dying, and thought I was... I've never felt that awful feeling before, I can't describe it, the only thing I can say is that I was shaking, crying, feeling like the world was crushing down on me, and that I was about to die... I almost broke the slow process of lowering the those of the steroid (I am still taking it, but every day I have to extend 2 hours before taking it), I was about to take 4 of them at the same time just to feel better (that would have been really bad). I call my (mama) my good friend Susan, she started to pray for me on the phone and sent her sister to take me to the doctor right away. What did the doctor say? she run a couple of test and sent me out for another one, but according to her knowledge I was having a withdrawal from the drug. All the other test that she run, including the one she sent me to another place, were ok. I am fine, I am not dying... Then the Dr. I am seeing in Shands, the PA called me back, and she said the same thing, she told me that I am going to experience a lot of things, that I am going to feel awful 'til my body detoxifies completely... I still have 6 more days to go to be entirely off that horrible chemical, and for what I know, about a week or 2 until my body completely eliminates the drug. Please help me with prayers, there are times I feel just fine, but then I have my moments, and feel terrible, can't really describe it, is a very weird feeling I have never experience in my life before.
Now, this gives me a complete different perspective about addiction, and about my brother and sister that are in a rehab program or are walking down the street living with an addiction that can not break from. If what I am taking (prescribed drug) and been monitored by a Doctor and taking away so slowly is causing me withdrawal symptoms and it so hard on me and producing this horrible, terrible feelings in my body... How hard it must be for my brothers and sisters to try to get clean and free of an illegal drug that their bodies have become addicted to?
I am just getting a small glimpse of what they go through.
Sometimes I say... well, it was their decision to start taking a drug on the first place, but then I realize that is the wrong way of thinking... yes, it was their decision to take it, but... Don't we all make mistakes... Don't we all fall at some point and do something we know we are not suppose to do?, and this poor souls made the big mistake of trying something their bodies will get attach to... sometimes, it takes only one time. Our bodies are unique, we all react differently; some of us can take a type of drug for a period of time and don't become addicted to it, for others one or 2 times and that's it, they are addicted, and at that point they don't realize it, they continue with it thinking they are in control, but in reality the chemical has taken control of their lives already.
I have to confess that I've been very bad at judging people on this subject, by this experience God is working in my heart and letting me see addiction, and my brother and sister walking on the street, in a different way. When reading my Bible, this verse cross my way "Do not judge, or you too will be judge. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judge, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2
I'll be going to Shands in 9 days (If God wants) I should have a concrete answer about what is next by then. For now I am just fighting a sinus infection (that creates more pressure on my head and is driving me crazy) and the up and downs of cleaning my body from the horrible steroids.
If I receive any news I'll keep you posted... Julia Gazagnaire (my best friend) will be helping me with the blog once in a while if I am not available to keep the blog up, and keep you posted on what is going on.
"Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble. The Lord will protect him and preserve his life; he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes." Psalm 41: 1-2
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion." Psalm 103: 2-4
Today has been a really good day, so many things have happened this past week, I want to share with all of you.
The first one is a perspective of life that God has shown me, I call it the "ring of life". I was looking at my ring one day that was on the table, and then saw the ring as my life, the middle of the ring my life... last year, me trying to fulfill that middle with so many things... not understanding that the only one that can fulfill, satisfy, complete that middle of the ring (my life) is God... nothing, no one can do that, but God. Around the ring I have some words engraved... Jesus showed me... around the ring I will put precious stones, pearls, but remember, they are around your life, they are not the center, I am the center, the only one that can fulfill your heart and complete you. Around the ring are gifts that I give around your life, like Bethany (she is a pearl in my ring of life). Jesus is the center of our lives, our kids, husbands/wives/jobs/careers, etc are things that God give to us as gifts to go around our lives, and just because He is so good to us and loves us so much, not because we deserve it.
Wow, my eyes have been so far from the truth, what a hard head! It is taking what I have on my head to understand, to learn every day...
Things to praise God for, many... He is so at work all the time... you know my family is far away, you are my friends, brothers and sisters, you are that extended family that God has put on my path, and lately He has bless me with a momma, and new sisters too. I went to visit my lawyer (I think I have mentioned before in one of my blogs), she is a strong christian lady, a christian warrior, she was very sad to hear the news about my health, but since then she has literally put me under her wings. the girls that work for her are all wonderful, and always call checking on me and giving me words of encouragement. Susan is doing so many things for me during this time, praying, loving, encouraging me, she is a blessing in my life.
Because of the medication I take (I told you this before) I can't work, but God has provided a job at my mamma's office, I am so blessed! getting a job this days it is not easy, thank you Lord for providing this job!
Now, last... Shand's news... finally! I woke up this morning and pray "Lord, please, let the Dr. call me, I am not feeling well lately, I have good days, but also bad days, and headaches are back every day, the medications is really taking control of my life,... please, let me Dr. call me... and give me peace he cares about my case...
Well, after dropping Bethany at school, around 830 the phone rung... Ms. Wilcox? This is Dr. Murad... it amazed me how God answers me right away... the news, he waited to call me because he wanted to discuss my case with other doctors, so he waited until having answers... I did not receive a concrete answer, but in few words what he said is that they believe is not cancer, it is not a brain tumor... they believe is a "Rare Brain Growth" called "L'hermitte Duclos"... He wants to see me again and run another MRI, the team fears for what they call "the mass effect" which basically it is this growth blocking the brain fluid and causing damage... I guess like having a stroke... He also said that surgery is risky on that area and he is afraid about loosing my coordination, motor skills after surgery, but on the other hand we have the "mass effect" because of the area where is located. He said he will talk to me more when he sees me.
I still have to wait for the secretary to call me and give me the time, but I know he has set up the day for March 30th.
That means we have 20 days to pray over this, so humbly I ask you join me in prayer over this, I believe God can do a miracle and that after having that MRI that thing could be gone, if it is God's will. God may have other plans for me, and it is ok with me, I want His will to be done, not mine. I know He has the perfect plan for me.
Love you,
Today has been a really good day, so many things have happened this past week, I want to share with all of you.
The first one is a perspective of life that God has shown me, I call it the "ring of life". I was looking at my ring one day that was on the table, and then saw the ring as my life, the middle of the ring my life... last year, me trying to fulfill that middle with so many things... not understanding that the only one that can fulfill, satisfy, complete that middle of the ring (my life) is God... nothing, no one can do that, but God. Around the ring I have some words engraved... Jesus showed me... around the ring I will put precious stones, pearls, but remember, they are around your life, they are not the center, I am the center, the only one that can fulfill your heart and complete you. Around the ring are gifts that I give around your life, like Bethany (she is a pearl in my ring of life). Jesus is the center of our lives, our kids, husbands/wives/jobs/careers, etc are things that God give to us as gifts to go around our lives, and just because He is so good to us and loves us so much, not because we deserve it.
Wow, my eyes have been so far from the truth, what a hard head! It is taking what I have on my head to understand, to learn every day...
Things to praise God for, many... He is so at work all the time... you know my family is far away, you are my friends, brothers and sisters, you are that extended family that God has put on my path, and lately He has bless me with a momma, and new sisters too. I went to visit my lawyer (I think I have mentioned before in one of my blogs), she is a strong christian lady, a christian warrior, she was very sad to hear the news about my health, but since then she has literally put me under her wings. the girls that work for her are all wonderful, and always call checking on me and giving me words of encouragement. Susan is doing so many things for me during this time, praying, loving, encouraging me, she is a blessing in my life.
Because of the medication I take (I told you this before) I can't work, but God has provided a job at my mamma's office, I am so blessed! getting a job this days it is not easy, thank you Lord for providing this job!
Now, last... Shand's news... finally! I woke up this morning and pray "Lord, please, let the Dr. call me, I am not feeling well lately, I have good days, but also bad days, and headaches are back every day, the medications is really taking control of my life,... please, let me Dr. call me... and give me peace he cares about my case...
Well, after dropping Bethany at school, around 830 the phone rung... Ms. Wilcox? This is Dr. Murad... it amazed me how God answers me right away... the news, he waited to call me because he wanted to discuss my case with other doctors, so he waited until having answers... I did not receive a concrete answer, but in few words what he said is that they believe is not cancer, it is not a brain tumor... they believe is a "Rare Brain Growth" called "L'hermitte Duclos"... He wants to see me again and run another MRI, the team fears for what they call "the mass effect" which basically it is this growth blocking the brain fluid and causing damage... I guess like having a stroke... He also said that surgery is risky on that area and he is afraid about loosing my coordination, motor skills after surgery, but on the other hand we have the "mass effect" because of the area where is located. He said he will talk to me more when he sees me.
I still have to wait for the secretary to call me and give me the time, but I know he has set up the day for March 30th.
That means we have 20 days to pray over this, so humbly I ask you join me in prayer over this, I believe God can do a miracle and that after having that MRI that thing could be gone, if it is God's will. God may have other plans for me, and it is ok with me, I want His will to be done, not mine. I know He has the perfect plan for me.
Love you,
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
"And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. "You should teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."
Today was a very special day for me and Bethany, we celebrated her birthday (with anticipation, since I don't know when the dr's. are going to call and say "come"). So, he had a mommy and me princess birthday day.
We dressed up like princesses (Thank you Stephanie for the customs) and went out (with good pair of tennis shoes anticipating a lot of walking!).
First we stopped by a Salon to have a royal treatment (thank you Misti for recommending Solace Day Spa & Salon). We sat next to each other and had our hair done, Bethany was so happy with her hair, she had the "Bella" look. Then they applied make up, and when mommy's make up turn, Bethany picked up the colors and help put lipstick on me... but, it is not over yet, then they painted our nails... For Bethany was a dream come true, having a big girl salon day with mommy? I'll try to post as many pictures as this blog allows me... her face expressions tells it all! and mommy's heart was filled with joy!
Of course, the entire royal treatment would have cost me a lot, but God put on my way this wonderful lady with a heart of gold "Jennifer Staerker" the owner, and she worked things out for me (thank you for the gift) hug me and told me she'll be praying for me (Thank you Jennifer for making our wish come true). The girls that took care of us, the best! Tiffany what a heart for kids, she did a wonderful job with her hair and make up, and made Bethany feel like a real princess (thank you so much Tiffany). Amber, thank you for my hair, you showed me a new way to style it, and I like it! and Heather, our nails looked beautiful, Bethany keeps looking and showing them to everyone!
Then we headed to the streets of Pier Park, window shopping and just having fun. Went to see the "Tooth Fairy" at the grand... Bethany laugh the entire movie, very clean and funny movie to see. After the movie Bethany kept talking about it, she really liked it.
Ice cream time after that... this time I have to confess I spoiled my kid, she got all kind of sweets on that ice cream, from marshmallows to gummy bears and more, more, sugar... you know what sugar means for parents right???
Of course we had to take a train ride and wave to everyone like princesses, Bethany waved to everyone and of course everyone waved back at her, she said a princess always waves and smiles like Cinderella.
The day was almost gone, and mommy was exhausted... although I had tennis shoes, my feet were hurting so bad!... but, one more thing to do... I told Bethany I'll take her to pick a birthday present and then we will head home. I told her that will have to be a small one, but she understood, gave me a kiss and said, thank you mommy, I love you... and that ... was the best medicine, magical healing pouring in my heart.
I love the idea of technology and all these new toys out there, but too many choices... too many... for a 5 year old about to turn 6, just too many choices... confuses and frustrates the kid in a way... SO I told her, pick all the toys you like and put them in a cart, mommy is going to sit on the floor and rest while you do that... once that cart is full we will put them all on the floor and then pick half of them and put away the other half that you don't like that much.... so she did... the cart was full all the way to the top! in my mind there was only one word "Mercy!"... THEN... I helped her out to put all the toys on the floor (I was so happy that Target at Pier Park was almost empty, so we were able to do this)... Bethany picked 10 toys to put away, and we put the other 10 favorite ones back in the cart. To avoid more temptation I took the cart to the kitchen section, then we did the same, all 10 toys on the floor, she picked 5 favorite ones and we put away (mommy did so that she did not have to be on the toy section again) and we went to the furniture section... she had to pick 2 out of 5... she took her time, but mommy was resting sitting down on the floor, so it was ok, ha, ha, ha. Finally she picked a Barbie electric guitar and a dog that swims in the bath tub and when dry barks and walks (nothing really special, plastic one) and the guitar just a pretend electric guitar... the interesting thing about this is that the dog is the first toy she picked at the toy section, I asked her you have so many toys similar, that is just a plastic dog that swims in the but tub... she said, has a sad face, he needs me...
At the end, she picked the electric guitar... I did not have the energy to go back to the toy section, so I left the dog at the furniture section (bad me I know)... and went with the electric guitar, then Bethany stopped me and with a sad face said "mommy, I am sorry, but I changed my mind, the dog needs me, I don't want the guitar, please"... so, we rush to the furniture section and the dog was still there (thank you God, cause at that point I was completely depleted from energy), Bethany grabbed the dog and start to kiss him and hug him, that was very intersting to see.
After that we head back.
Thank you God for making this day possible, thank you for providing for this day to happen, you provided everything! thank you for putting the right people my way and making our wish come true! Today, Bethany celebrated her birthday, today I celebrated her life and my life... God, you are awesome, thank you so much for life!
Today was a very special day for me and Bethany, we celebrated her birthday (with anticipation, since I don't know when the dr's. are going to call and say "come"). So, he had a mommy and me princess birthday day.
We dressed up like princesses (Thank you Stephanie for the customs) and went out (with good pair of tennis shoes anticipating a lot of walking!).
First we stopped by a Salon to have a royal treatment (thank you Misti for recommending Solace Day Spa & Salon). We sat next to each other and had our hair done, Bethany was so happy with her hair, she had the "Bella" look. Then they applied make up, and when mommy's make up turn, Bethany picked up the colors and help put lipstick on me... but, it is not over yet, then they painted our nails... For Bethany was a dream come true, having a big girl salon day with mommy? I'll try to post as many pictures as this blog allows me... her face expressions tells it all! and mommy's heart was filled with joy!
Of course, the entire royal treatment would have cost me a lot, but God put on my way this wonderful lady with a heart of gold "Jennifer Staerker" the owner, and she worked things out for me (thank you for the gift) hug me and told me she'll be praying for me (Thank you Jennifer for making our wish come true). The girls that took care of us, the best! Tiffany what a heart for kids, she did a wonderful job with her hair and make up, and made Bethany feel like a real princess (thank you so much Tiffany). Amber, thank you for my hair, you showed me a new way to style it, and I like it! and Heather, our nails looked beautiful, Bethany keeps looking and showing them to everyone!
Then we headed to the streets of Pier Park, window shopping and just having fun. Went to see the "Tooth Fairy" at the grand... Bethany laugh the entire movie, very clean and funny movie to see. After the movie Bethany kept talking about it, she really liked it.
Ice cream time after that... this time I have to confess I spoiled my kid, she got all kind of sweets on that ice cream, from marshmallows to gummy bears and more, more, sugar... you know what sugar means for parents right???
Of course we had to take a train ride and wave to everyone like princesses, Bethany waved to everyone and of course everyone waved back at her, she said a princess always waves and smiles like Cinderella.
The day was almost gone, and mommy was exhausted... although I had tennis shoes, my feet were hurting so bad!... but, one more thing to do... I told Bethany I'll take her to pick a birthday present and then we will head home. I told her that will have to be a small one, but she understood, gave me a kiss and said, thank you mommy, I love you... and that ... was the best medicine, magical healing pouring in my heart.
I love the idea of technology and all these new toys out there, but too many choices... too many... for a 5 year old about to turn 6, just too many choices... confuses and frustrates the kid in a way... SO I told her, pick all the toys you like and put them in a cart, mommy is going to sit on the floor and rest while you do that... once that cart is full we will put them all on the floor and then pick half of them and put away the other half that you don't like that much.... so she did... the cart was full all the way to the top! in my mind there was only one word "Mercy!"... THEN... I helped her out to put all the toys on the floor (I was so happy that Target at Pier Park was almost empty, so we were able to do this)... Bethany picked 10 toys to put away, and we put the other 10 favorite ones back in the cart. To avoid more temptation I took the cart to the kitchen section, then we did the same, all 10 toys on the floor, she picked 5 favorite ones and we put away (mommy did so that she did not have to be on the toy section again) and we went to the furniture section... she had to pick 2 out of 5... she took her time, but mommy was resting sitting down on the floor, so it was ok, ha, ha, ha. Finally she picked a Barbie electric guitar and a dog that swims in the bath tub and when dry barks and walks (nothing really special, plastic one) and the guitar just a pretend electric guitar... the interesting thing about this is that the dog is the first toy she picked at the toy section, I asked her you have so many toys similar, that is just a plastic dog that swims in the but tub... she said, has a sad face, he needs me...
At the end, she picked the electric guitar... I did not have the energy to go back to the toy section, so I left the dog at the furniture section (bad me I know)... and went with the electric guitar, then Bethany stopped me and with a sad face said "mommy, I am sorry, but I changed my mind, the dog needs me, I don't want the guitar, please"... so, we rush to the furniture section and the dog was still there (thank you God, cause at that point I was completely depleted from energy), Bethany grabbed the dog and start to kiss him and hug him, that was very intersting to see.
After that we head back.
Thank you God for making this day possible, thank you for providing for this day to happen, you provided everything! thank you for putting the right people my way and making our wish come true! Today, Bethany celebrated her birthday, today I celebrated her life and my life... God, you are awesome, thank you so much for life!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I want to Introduce my sister Kathy Wilson
Friends, I want to introduce my good sister Kathy Wilson, she is the one God has put on my way during this time, she is the one that will be helping me with the blog and updating information about me if the time comes that I cannot do it. She is a real blessing in my life, always calling to check on me, ready to listen, encouraging me, and being cool when I am grumpy! taking me to Shands, Tampa, etc. (she is an excellent driver by the way!), she is beautiful inside and outside.
I asked her for a picture, so that you can put a face to my sister. =)
Thursday, February 24, 2010
"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3
Today, grumpy Sofia came out... boy, gotta work on my temper! I've been waiting on Shands to call me... waiting, waiting... so today my good sister Kathy said "Sofia, call them to check"... so I felt God was saying "Sofia, she is right, is the right time to call them"... so I did... talked to the Dr.'s nurse and I asked her... "The Dr. said to FedEx him immediately the first MRI of my brain when the called "stroke" happen, 'cause he will use it at the Team meeting", so I am calling to make sure you guys have receive it... she told me to hold, she will check my file... then she answered and said, sorry, we have not receive it.... WHAT!!! I said... I sent that by FedEx on the 18th ... she asked me for the tracking number... I looked at my copy and realized that the lady at FedEx highlighted the tracking number, but by doing so erased the tracking number... How can that happen, don't ask me, I still wonder... then I call FedEx and they told me that they are sorry, but by phone they can not give you the tracking number??? Can you believe that... ha, ha, ha, now I am laughing... but friends, I was so upset.... of course I called my sister Kathy in a time of breaking point, grumpy, lost, almost crying.... Is so good to have a good friend that you can call anytime and be your ugly self and show it and knowing she will not judge you, not be upset at you, just listen, love you and give you a word of encouragement or advice... Thank you Kathy!
So, after I talked to her and listening to her advice and words of kindness that calmed me down... I rush to FedEx, and the same lady that highlighted my tracking number was there... she apologized and said she will never highlight a tracking number like that again, actually, she was very nice about it, and printed out the information I needed, time and date received and the name of the person that signed for the package... I couldn't be nothing but nice to the lady, she helped me.
Then I called Shands again and talk to the nurse (she put me on hold) when she picked up the phone I felt she was on her knees... she apologized 100 times, she said "Mrs. Wilcox... I am very sorry, our receptionist miss placed your package, I am very, very sorry, but now I have the CD on my hand, I don't know what to tell you ... I am so, so sorry... I will give the CD immediately to the Dr, and knowing him, he'll probably call the "Spine Board Team Meeting" immediately. I am sure he will be calling you first time next week... I am very sorry...
Poor girl, we all make mistakes, I hope and pray the receptionist does not get in too much trouble, I was able to sense the frustration on the lady's voice... told them is ok, that I will wait for the call next week.
Now, I know you my friends are waiting for answers just like me, and may be wondering..."Sofia, you are not living in reality, what's wrong with you, how can you take this that easily?.... Well, after my break down I realized... God is in control first of all, the CD lost somewhere, etc, was not an accident, it happened because God allowed it to happen.... in everything we do, there are no accidents, there is nothing that happens in our lives without God being in control/approval... the way I see it is that the "spine team board meeting" was not meant to happen last week, maybe the right doctors that God wanted were not gonna be there, etc... God wants this meeting to happen tomorrow or next week... and I am good with that, is His perfect timing, His perfect plan for me... whatever is the result, is going to be good... either nothing to worry about, or surgery, or whatever... the result is going to be good because is God's will. So, here I am, crossing my hands and allowing God to work... in the mean time, doing so many more things, loving on my Bethany, loving on friends, and doing things that I have not done before (good ones of course)... it is like God giving me sometime to breath and enjoy, spend time with him.... I am glad they miss placed my CD... ha, ha, ha, I am laughing not stopping!
Personal Note: Today I was thinking about a Public Speaking Class I took when at GCCC, I was not to talk about Jesus they warned me, but I did it either way...ha, ha, ha... you know me... my point was to prove that for any man to fulfill one prophesy the mathematical probability calculated the odds and put it this way...equivalent to covering the entire state of Texas with silver dollar coins 2 feet deep and having a blind folded man find one of them that has a mark on it... probability, the man would have die first before finding the coin.... Do you know how many prophesies Jesus Fulfilled? some educated people in the subject suggest that there is about 300+ Messianic prophesies and Jesus fulfilled more than 100... other scholars suggest even more... Examples... Being born in Bethlehem (you can't choose time or place to be born!) Micah 5:2, Being sold for 30 pieces of silver Zechariah11:12, Garments being parted and lots cast for his garment Psalm 22:18... and so many more that I could write all night long... how did that class go?.... I was bombarded with questions, but the point was clear... people who wants to hear and see will see, if they don't is because they choose not... event though the teacher told me not to talk about Jesus... she gave me an A+ =)
Today, grumpy Sofia came out... boy, gotta work on my temper! I've been waiting on Shands to call me... waiting, waiting... so today my good sister Kathy said "Sofia, call them to check"... so I felt God was saying "Sofia, she is right, is the right time to call them"... so I did... talked to the Dr.'s nurse and I asked her... "The Dr. said to FedEx him immediately the first MRI of my brain when the called "stroke" happen, 'cause he will use it at the Team meeting", so I am calling to make sure you guys have receive it... she told me to hold, she will check my file... then she answered and said, sorry, we have not receive it.... WHAT!!! I said... I sent that by FedEx on the 18th ... she asked me for the tracking number... I looked at my copy and realized that the lady at FedEx highlighted the tracking number, but by doing so erased the tracking number... How can that happen, don't ask me, I still wonder... then I call FedEx and they told me that they are sorry, but by phone they can not give you the tracking number??? Can you believe that... ha, ha, ha, now I am laughing... but friends, I was so upset.... of course I called my sister Kathy in a time of breaking point, grumpy, lost, almost crying.... Is so good to have a good friend that you can call anytime and be your ugly self and show it and knowing she will not judge you, not be upset at you, just listen, love you and give you a word of encouragement or advice... Thank you Kathy!
So, after I talked to her and listening to her advice and words of kindness that calmed me down... I rush to FedEx, and the same lady that highlighted my tracking number was there... she apologized and said she will never highlight a tracking number like that again, actually, she was very nice about it, and printed out the information I needed, time and date received and the name of the person that signed for the package... I couldn't be nothing but nice to the lady, she helped me.
Then I called Shands again and talk to the nurse (she put me on hold) when she picked up the phone I felt she was on her knees... she apologized 100 times, she said "Mrs. Wilcox... I am very sorry, our receptionist miss placed your package, I am very, very sorry, but now I have the CD on my hand, I don't know what to tell you ... I am so, so sorry... I will give the CD immediately to the Dr, and knowing him, he'll probably call the "Spine Board Team Meeting" immediately. I am sure he will be calling you first time next week... I am very sorry...
Poor girl, we all make mistakes, I hope and pray the receptionist does not get in too much trouble, I was able to sense the frustration on the lady's voice... told them is ok, that I will wait for the call next week.
Now, I know you my friends are waiting for answers just like me, and may be wondering..."Sofia, you are not living in reality, what's wrong with you, how can you take this that easily?.... Well, after my break down I realized... God is in control first of all, the CD lost somewhere, etc, was not an accident, it happened because God allowed it to happen.... in everything we do, there are no accidents, there is nothing that happens in our lives without God being in control/approval... the way I see it is that the "spine team board meeting" was not meant to happen last week, maybe the right doctors that God wanted were not gonna be there, etc... God wants this meeting to happen tomorrow or next week... and I am good with that, is His perfect timing, His perfect plan for me... whatever is the result, is going to be good... either nothing to worry about, or surgery, or whatever... the result is going to be good because is God's will. So, here I am, crossing my hands and allowing God to work... in the mean time, doing so many more things, loving on my Bethany, loving on friends, and doing things that I have not done before (good ones of course)... it is like God giving me sometime to breath and enjoy, spend time with him.... I am glad they miss placed my CD... ha, ha, ha, I am laughing not stopping!
Personal Note: Today I was thinking about a Public Speaking Class I took when at GCCC, I was not to talk about Jesus they warned me, but I did it either way...ha, ha, ha... you know me... my point was to prove that for any man to fulfill one prophesy the mathematical probability calculated the odds and put it this way...equivalent to covering the entire state of Texas with silver dollar coins 2 feet deep and having a blind folded man find one of them that has a mark on it... probability, the man would have die first before finding the coin.... Do you know how many prophesies Jesus Fulfilled? some educated people in the subject suggest that there is about 300+ Messianic prophesies and Jesus fulfilled more than 100... other scholars suggest even more... Examples... Being born in Bethlehem (you can't choose time or place to be born!) Micah 5:2, Being sold for 30 pieces of silver Zechariah11:12, Garments being parted and lots cast for his garment Psalm 22:18... and so many more that I could write all night long... how did that class go?.... I was bombarded with questions, but the point was clear... people who wants to hear and see will see, if they don't is because they choose not... event though the teacher told me not to talk about Jesus... she gave me an A+ =)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Wednesday, February 23, 2010
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" Colossians 3:13
It is amazing waking up every morning knowing that God is there watching over you and saying "good morning my beloved one", what an amazing feeling.
Then turning around and seeing my little angel's face sleeping so peacefully, kissing her, touching her little nose, how bless I am.
Well, today too much information to display, but I can share with you that I had some court case issue that I had to take care of, and sometimes when you had to deal with the State and the law and you are trying to do the right thing, I am telling you satan gets in between and tries his best to ruin everything and to things very difficult for you.... But, our good Papa, the one that has the entire power is on our side when we try to do what is right in his eyes.... So, this morning, I put together myself knowing it was going to be a difficult morning, I asked God to fill me with his spirit and put the right words in my mouth at court, to help me control my temper and reflect Jesus in front of everyone, not my old grumpy self, but reflect Jesus in whatever resolution.... and guess what.... THERE IS NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE FOR GOD" ha, ha, ha, I so know that, you all know that... I feel so silly when I worry about things now, ha, ha, ha.
The Deputy Clerk, very nice lady, christian lady, she listened, she understood, and when I left she said "Sofia, everything is going to be alright, I am going to be praying for you"... Can you believe that????? I am laughing and crying while writing this... God is so awesome, so powerful, how can I find words to praise him.
Personal Note: I thought today... My Jesus, all the things that are happening to me is to bring you glory, and I am happy for it.... then I listened and though... God, you don't need anything... yes, this brings glory to you, but you don't need me for it, you can use anyone, any situation, etc.... Actually, all that is happening to me.... this whatever is in my head is a present from you..... presents don't come always in a nice big package... and sometimes, they quite don't look like a present.... but, in reality, this whatever thing is in my head is the best present you have given me! why??? because through this you are teaching me so much... I am learning so much from you, and I am experiencing all your mercies, your love, your presence.... you are showing me all those ugly things about me that I need to change, that I need to work on.... THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS BRAIN TUMOR OR WHATEVER TAMALE I HAVE ON MY HEAD!!!! THANK YOU JESUS!
It is amazing waking up every morning knowing that God is there watching over you and saying "good morning my beloved one", what an amazing feeling.
Then turning around and seeing my little angel's face sleeping so peacefully, kissing her, touching her little nose, how bless I am.
Well, today too much information to display, but I can share with you that I had some court case issue that I had to take care of, and sometimes when you had to deal with the State and the law and you are trying to do the right thing, I am telling you satan gets in between and tries his best to ruin everything and to things very difficult for you.... But, our good Papa, the one that has the entire power is on our side when we try to do what is right in his eyes.... So, this morning, I put together myself knowing it was going to be a difficult morning, I asked God to fill me with his spirit and put the right words in my mouth at court, to help me control my temper and reflect Jesus in front of everyone, not my old grumpy self, but reflect Jesus in whatever resolution.... and guess what.... THERE IS NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE FOR GOD" ha, ha, ha, I so know that, you all know that... I feel so silly when I worry about things now, ha, ha, ha.
The Deputy Clerk, very nice lady, christian lady, she listened, she understood, and when I left she said "Sofia, everything is going to be alright, I am going to be praying for you"... Can you believe that????? I am laughing and crying while writing this... God is so awesome, so powerful, how can I find words to praise him.
Personal Note: I thought today... My Jesus, all the things that are happening to me is to bring you glory, and I am happy for it.... then I listened and though... God, you don't need anything... yes, this brings glory to you, but you don't need me for it, you can use anyone, any situation, etc.... Actually, all that is happening to me.... this whatever is in my head is a present from you..... presents don't come always in a nice big package... and sometimes, they quite don't look like a present.... but, in reality, this whatever thing is in my head is the best present you have given me! why??? because through this you are teaching me so much... I am learning so much from you, and I am experiencing all your mercies, your love, your presence.... you are showing me all those ugly things about me that I need to change, that I need to work on.... THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS BRAIN TUMOR OR WHATEVER TAMALE I HAVE ON MY HEAD!!!! THANK YOU JESUS!
Tuesday, February 22, 2010
"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Psalm 23:6
Ok, my flesh is acting up again... need some prayers friends... the medication I am taking is really affecting me, physically and emotionally... first the medication is timed, so I have to follow the rules, not miss a dose and do it at the time they told me to... well, every time I take it wakes me up... actually makes me do things that I will usually will not be so picky about... like...if I see a spot on the wall I Will scrub that spot 'till clean and shiny... kind a OCD stuff... when I take it at night 8pm... thoughts start to happen, I start to worry, I start to think, what's coming next, etc... I am so glad Bethany is staying with me these days, that way I focus my attention to her and love, and she draws me out from all those ugly feelings of concern ... but, when time to sleep comes... uff... can't sleep, I have my eyes close, but the wheels in my mind keep spinning, and the worse part is that I am so afraid about falling asleep... I know my mind is playing ugly games with me, and the doctor has told me unfortunately is a side effect of the medicine... but, I have no choice.
So, I pray and Pray, but although I know God is next to me, loving on my, my flesh is weak, and I am afraid of falling asleep....
The doctor has given me some medication to help me sleep, but, because my next dose of that medication (that is affecting me ) is a 2 am... then, is when I take the medication to help me sleep, that way, when I take the medication at 2am, in 10 minutes I am cooking (cause it also makes me hungry), cleaning the house, putting things away, etc... so, I take the medication to help me sleep along with the other medication that keeps me awake at the same time.... and then in works, after I eat something around 215 am, then I go to sleep....and sleep well.
But, I need your prayers, cause I need more sleep, I need to not be afraid of going to sleep, and I need to go to sleep at least around 10pm, to have a healthy sleeping pattern, enough hours and have the energy to take Bethany to school in the mornings and do all the things I have to do....
Please keep me in your prayers on this matter, I know is very personal, but you all are my friends, so I don't mind sharing.
personal note: I found this little encouragement card I will like to share with you... "When we fully understand the wonder of God's love, we will want to share it with everyone we know. We can't keep it inside. As we tell others, we will praise Him because He sacrificed His Son to make us right with Him and then, He gave us full access to Him."
Ok, my flesh is acting up again... need some prayers friends... the medication I am taking is really affecting me, physically and emotionally... first the medication is timed, so I have to follow the rules, not miss a dose and do it at the time they told me to... well, every time I take it wakes me up... actually makes me do things that I will usually will not be so picky about... like...if I see a spot on the wall I Will scrub that spot 'till clean and shiny... kind a OCD stuff... when I take it at night 8pm... thoughts start to happen, I start to worry, I start to think, what's coming next, etc... I am so glad Bethany is staying with me these days, that way I focus my attention to her and love, and she draws me out from all those ugly feelings of concern ... but, when time to sleep comes... uff... can't sleep, I have my eyes close, but the wheels in my mind keep spinning, and the worse part is that I am so afraid about falling asleep... I know my mind is playing ugly games with me, and the doctor has told me unfortunately is a side effect of the medicine... but, I have no choice.
So, I pray and Pray, but although I know God is next to me, loving on my, my flesh is weak, and I am afraid of falling asleep....
The doctor has given me some medication to help me sleep, but, because my next dose of that medication (that is affecting me ) is a 2 am... then, is when I take the medication to help me sleep, that way, when I take the medication at 2am, in 10 minutes I am cooking (cause it also makes me hungry), cleaning the house, putting things away, etc... so, I take the medication to help me sleep along with the other medication that keeps me awake at the same time.... and then in works, after I eat something around 215 am, then I go to sleep....and sleep well.
But, I need your prayers, cause I need more sleep, I need to not be afraid of going to sleep, and I need to go to sleep at least around 10pm, to have a healthy sleeping pattern, enough hours and have the energy to take Bethany to school in the mornings and do all the things I have to do....
Please keep me in your prayers on this matter, I know is very personal, but you all are my friends, so I don't mind sharing.
personal note: I found this little encouragement card I will like to share with you... "When we fully understand the wonder of God's love, we will want to share it with everyone we know. We can't keep it inside. As we tell others, we will praise Him because He sacrificed His Son to make us right with Him and then, He gave us full access to Him."
Monday, February 22, 2010
"I will tell of the Lord's unfailing love, I will praise the Lord for all he has done." Isaiah 63:7
Another amazing day! Today I had my first "healing" counseling session... see, all the counseling sessions before were focused on Bethany and how to prepare her, prepare grandma and dad for what's to come... but, this time the counselor said... "Sofia, this counseling is for you... we need to work on you now... so, I listened... I don't know if I wrote this before to you guys, but my flesh is weak, and I've been praying a lot about mold and spiderwebs I have in my heart, resentment that I keep in my heart, anger that I don't know how to get rid of ... and all those things that are poison for the soul... God has been showing me all these things I have to work on... and today's session was an answer to that prayer!
The counselor made a point... when you have anger, resentment in your heart towards someone is like you are holding a pen in your hand... you keep looking at it and the more you look at it, the more you hold on to it... if you need to get rid of that anger and resentment, first you need to understand that when you forgive, you don't always forget, you are a human, you'll remember, but if you forgive you will release your self, you will be set free... so, first, you have to think... what good brings to keep holding that pen in your hand? (obviously, nothing)... now, to put that pen away, what do you think you need to do?... "My answer was, tell the truth, tell that person that hurt me, the reasons I felt betrayed, hurt, ignored, etc... but is hard for me, because if I say point blank all these things then I will hurt that persons feelings and everything will go down the hill and instead of peace more problems will arise.... Then, the counselor asked me... "Sofia, why do you want that person to know all these things?... my answer was... because, that person thinks I hurt him by actions and things I took in life... that I had no right to do what I have done... Then, the counselor said... "Sofia, listen to yourself... Do you have the right or the control over other people's point of view or reasoning or choices in life? ... I said "NO".... Do you think that by this time telling this person all your reasoning, things that hurt you, etc will change the mind of that person about your "wrong or not right of decisions in life or on that specific matter?... I said "no, of course not".... this person has the right and the choice to think and believe what it wants, you have to set free yourself and not try to control or direct people's point of view, choices of how they see things... that is something they choose to do, and whatever they say or point of view is you have to respect and don't feel bad of feel you have to defend yourself...
Now, I ask you again Sofia... will it do any good to bring all those things out again and talk to that person about? Do you think that person will understand?....
Healing started to happen in my heart friends... release of anger, resentment, peace started to flow in my heart... forgiveness started to happen... felt like medicine being poured right on the top and inside my heart, what a feeling, how released, what a peace...
Sometimes we make choices in life that hurt others, and hurt ourselves in the middle, but God knows our hearts, know our motives, know our heartaches, and He understands... sometimes although He has forgiven us, it is difficult for us to forgive ourselves... and that is really wrong, if God forgive us, how come we can not forgive ourselves... and many times if we do not forgive ourselves, we can not forgive others... and we are not set free... a lesson I learned, God has forgiven you Sofia, forgive yourself, forgive others and go on in life... free...
Locks of Love... I knew I had to cut my hair, so went pick up Bethany early from school and went to see my good friend Kathy Cravatta, as I told you before the plan was to cut my hair and donate it to Locks of love... So, at the beauty salon, Kathy braid a small part of my hair and allowed Bethany cut it, we put it in a small zip log bag with a letter I wrote to hair saying the reason why mommy is doing this as a keepsake for Bethany. Then, we cut the hair and got an 11 inch braid!, then Kathy gave me a beautiful haircut (Thank you friend, you always do an awesome job with my hair). Bethany looked at me and said... mommy, your hair is beautiful and that little girl without hair is going to look beautiful with your hair, and also you look beautiful too with your short hair now, you are beautiful mommy.... I am so blessed with my little sweet girl, she is so wonderful, smart and understanding! and she loves sharing... Thank you God. I am still new at this, so I'll try to post a pic of Bethany cutting my braid... I'll try.... thank you for reading my long story! Love you all!
Another amazing day! Today I had my first "healing" counseling session... see, all the counseling sessions before were focused on Bethany and how to prepare her, prepare grandma and dad for what's to come... but, this time the counselor said... "Sofia, this counseling is for you... we need to work on you now... so, I listened... I don't know if I wrote this before to you guys, but my flesh is weak, and I've been praying a lot about mold and spiderwebs I have in my heart, resentment that I keep in my heart, anger that I don't know how to get rid of ... and all those things that are poison for the soul... God has been showing me all these things I have to work on... and today's session was an answer to that prayer!
The counselor made a point... when you have anger, resentment in your heart towards someone is like you are holding a pen in your hand... you keep looking at it and the more you look at it, the more you hold on to it... if you need to get rid of that anger and resentment, first you need to understand that when you forgive, you don't always forget, you are a human, you'll remember, but if you forgive you will release your self, you will be set free... so, first, you have to think... what good brings to keep holding that pen in your hand? (obviously, nothing)... now, to put that pen away, what do you think you need to do?... "My answer was, tell the truth, tell that person that hurt me, the reasons I felt betrayed, hurt, ignored, etc... but is hard for me, because if I say point blank all these things then I will hurt that persons feelings and everything will go down the hill and instead of peace more problems will arise.... Then, the counselor asked me... "Sofia, why do you want that person to know all these things?... my answer was... because, that person thinks I hurt him by actions and things I took in life... that I had no right to do what I have done... Then, the counselor said... "Sofia, listen to yourself... Do you have the right or the control over other people's point of view or reasoning or choices in life? ... I said "NO".... Do you think that by this time telling this person all your reasoning, things that hurt you, etc will change the mind of that person about your "wrong or not right of decisions in life or on that specific matter?... I said "no, of course not".... this person has the right and the choice to think and believe what it wants, you have to set free yourself and not try to control or direct people's point of view, choices of how they see things... that is something they choose to do, and whatever they say or point of view is you have to respect and don't feel bad of feel you have to defend yourself...
Now, I ask you again Sofia... will it do any good to bring all those things out again and talk to that person about? Do you think that person will understand?....
Healing started to happen in my heart friends... release of anger, resentment, peace started to flow in my heart... forgiveness started to happen... felt like medicine being poured right on the top and inside my heart, what a feeling, how released, what a peace...
Sometimes we make choices in life that hurt others, and hurt ourselves in the middle, but God knows our hearts, know our motives, know our heartaches, and He understands... sometimes although He has forgiven us, it is difficult for us to forgive ourselves... and that is really wrong, if God forgive us, how come we can not forgive ourselves... and many times if we do not forgive ourselves, we can not forgive others... and we are not set free... a lesson I learned, God has forgiven you Sofia, forgive yourself, forgive others and go on in life... free...
Locks of Love... I knew I had to cut my hair, so went pick up Bethany early from school and went to see my good friend Kathy Cravatta, as I told you before the plan was to cut my hair and donate it to Locks of love... So, at the beauty salon, Kathy braid a small part of my hair and allowed Bethany cut it, we put it in a small zip log bag with a letter I wrote to hair saying the reason why mommy is doing this as a keepsake for Bethany. Then, we cut the hair and got an 11 inch braid!, then Kathy gave me a beautiful haircut (Thank you friend, you always do an awesome job with my hair). Bethany looked at me and said... mommy, your hair is beautiful and that little girl without hair is going to look beautiful with your hair, and also you look beautiful too with your short hair now, you are beautiful mommy.... I am so blessed with my little sweet girl, she is so wonderful, smart and understanding! and she loves sharing... Thank you God. I am still new at this, so I'll try to post a pic of Bethany cutting my braid... I'll try.... thank you for reading my long story! Love you all!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
"Friends fill your life with joy, your soul with sunshine, and your heart with love."
I have to express my gratitude to My very good friends that are loving on me, praying for me, going through all these with me... I see God's hands reaching out to me through them... Kathy Wilson, my good sister, can't express my love for you girl.
Alice Bailey, showing up at the ER at midnight and staying with me 'til 3am, visiting me every day...Carol McBride, Kim Guilford, Julie Pippin, Laura McIver, Robbie Walker, Allison Ocampo, Ms. Helen Tesoriero, Maylem Gilmore, Theresa Willis, Julie Gazagnaire (always there for me, listening, caring), Dale and Karen Clark, Dennis Gallagher (what a good friend and listener you are!) Ruth Peterson (so many things I am learning from you), Beverly Tinklenberg, Robbie and Rob Woodrum, thank you for all your suppport. Kathy Cravatta, Sue Adams, Myra McDaniel, Stephanie and Ron Lippmann (you guys have blessed me in so many ways, thank you.) Darby Brown, Nan Conner, Jeanie Connell, Patti Crute (you are an inspiration), Rhonda and Rochelle Davis (thank you for being so good to Bethany) April Hess, Sue Watson (you inspire me), my good sister Liz Livingston (thank you for helping me with so many things and helping me build this blog!), Renata Murphree, Claire Noyes, Kim Rittman, Donna Wilbanks, Melissa Seeuws (I am so bless with your friendship and Satya and Bethany's friendship), Riley and Lynn Woodrum, Kelly Rits, and Susan Carroll (You are a real blessing in my life, thank you for helping me). Ken, Bonnie and Ray Wilcox for their support and love taking care of Bethany, thank you. Sorry if I have miss some names, I love you all, you are in my mind and heart.
I have to express my gratitude to My very good friends that are loving on me, praying for me, going through all these with me... I see God's hands reaching out to me through them... Kathy Wilson, my good sister, can't express my love for you girl.
Alice Bailey, showing up at the ER at midnight and staying with me 'til 3am, visiting me every day...Carol McBride, Kim Guilford, Julie Pippin, Laura McIver, Robbie Walker, Allison Ocampo, Ms. Helen Tesoriero, Maylem Gilmore, Theresa Willis, Julie Gazagnaire (always there for me, listening, caring), Dale and Karen Clark, Dennis Gallagher (what a good friend and listener you are!) Ruth Peterson (so many things I am learning from you), Beverly Tinklenberg, Robbie and Rob Woodrum, thank you for all your suppport. Kathy Cravatta, Sue Adams, Myra McDaniel, Stephanie and Ron Lippmann (you guys have blessed me in so many ways, thank you.) Darby Brown, Nan Conner, Jeanie Connell, Patti Crute (you are an inspiration), Rhonda and Rochelle Davis (thank you for being so good to Bethany) April Hess, Sue Watson (you inspire me), my good sister Liz Livingston (thank you for helping me with so many things and helping me build this blog!), Renata Murphree, Claire Noyes, Kim Rittman, Donna Wilbanks, Melissa Seeuws (I am so bless with your friendship and Satya and Bethany's friendship), Riley and Lynn Woodrum, Kelly Rits, and Susan Carroll (You are a real blessing in my life, thank you for helping me). Ken, Bonnie and Ray Wilcox for their support and love taking care of Bethany, thank you. Sorry if I have miss some names, I love you all, you are in my mind and heart.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
"I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing." Genesis 12:2
Church service was amazing today... we had Patrick and Barb at church, the missionaries that were affected when the earthquake in Haiti happened... Patrick almost die, he lost one arm... Barb his wife lost one leg... 2 lives dedicated to God, 2 hearts after the heart of God, doing nothing else but serving Him in Haiti, bringing souls to God... in Patrick's case is like God has raised him from the death... and today, both spoke... Barb, wow, what an inspiration, after all she has gone through, she praises God, laughs, big smile on her face, sharing love with everyone... Patrick... his message, so much passion when he shared, God used his lips and give him the strength to make the point... our lives are to serve God, not to serve ourselves and satisfy ourselves, our lives are to be used by Him.... if we do not allow him to use us, then our life is a waist.
See, Barb and Patrick have inspired me so much during their time of suffering, following up on their situation, they helped me to see my problem so little, thank you Patrick and Barb, you guys are an inspiration.
Church service was amazing today... we had Patrick and Barb at church, the missionaries that were affected when the earthquake in Haiti happened... Patrick almost die, he lost one arm... Barb his wife lost one leg... 2 lives dedicated to God, 2 hearts after the heart of God, doing nothing else but serving Him in Haiti, bringing souls to God... in Patrick's case is like God has raised him from the death... and today, both spoke... Barb, wow, what an inspiration, after all she has gone through, she praises God, laughs, big smile on her face, sharing love with everyone... Patrick... his message, so much passion when he shared, God used his lips and give him the strength to make the point... our lives are to serve God, not to serve ourselves and satisfy ourselves, our lives are to be used by Him.... if we do not allow him to use us, then our life is a waist.
See, Barb and Patrick have inspired me so much during their time of suffering, following up on their situation, they helped me to see my problem so little, thank you Patrick and Barb, you guys are an inspiration.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
"Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold." Proverbs 3: 13-14
Today I received the hospital bill from when I had the called "stroke" on January 1, 2010... I stayed at the hospital for 4 days and was released on the 5th day... I am telling you, every second you spend in a hospital bed, it costs $$$$ crazy!
So, let me tell you a little bit of background, when everything happened and I went to the hospital I was still working only part time at the old place, and really surviving with very little income, so I was at the time covered by medicaid... so THANK YOU JESUS THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENED WHEN I WAS STILL COVERED!... do you know how much that bill was, and I want to tell you, because the fact that God allowed medicaid to cover it is a miracle alone and that miracle brings glory to His name.... the bill was for $5, 798.18!!!! Now, think about it...me, Sofia, trying to pay a bill like that... how, how? I just start laughing thinking about it... For God there is nothing impossible.
Warning... if you see me on the street dancing, lifting my arms up high and worshiping God, crying or laughing, please don't think you have to call 911 and that I have to go to a psychiatric Hospital... I am just worshiping my God... I have had already those moments that I cannot stop crying and laughing and praising my Jesus, I just have so much joy in my heart, I can't stop myself.
Today I received the hospital bill from when I had the called "stroke" on January 1, 2010... I stayed at the hospital for 4 days and was released on the 5th day... I am telling you, every second you spend in a hospital bed, it costs $$$$ crazy!
So, let me tell you a little bit of background, when everything happened and I went to the hospital I was still working only part time at the old place, and really surviving with very little income, so I was at the time covered by medicaid... so THANK YOU JESUS THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENED WHEN I WAS STILL COVERED!... do you know how much that bill was, and I want to tell you, because the fact that God allowed medicaid to cover it is a miracle alone and that miracle brings glory to His name.... the bill was for $5, 798.18!!!! Now, think about it...me, Sofia, trying to pay a bill like that... how, how? I just start laughing thinking about it... For God there is nothing impossible.
Warning... if you see me on the street dancing, lifting my arms up high and worshiping God, crying or laughing, please don't think you have to call 911 and that I have to go to a psychiatric Hospital... I am just worshiping my God... I have had already those moments that I cannot stop crying and laughing and praising my Jesus, I just have so much joy in my heart, I can't stop myself.
Friday, February 19, 2010
"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord..." Jeremiah 30:17
20/20, never the need for glasses, but lately I see blurry sometimes, especially at night, so I got concern... my good friend Theresa Willis set me an appointment at the eye place she works (thank you friend!)...
God appointed the right doctor once again for me... a very nice christian, going over my medical history before the exam, he was so broken to know about my head situation and explained to me that maybe many of the blurry vision, etc may be caused by the medication I am taking... however, he run a complete set of tests... about one and half hour of tests... results... I am still 20/20! I jumped on the chair and said "Praise God" he was as happy as I was... he explained to me that the medicines I am taking are causing some high ocular pressure, but not that bad to be concern, that once I stop the medications, everything should be back to normal, gave me some eye vitamins, eye drops for the pressure and invited me to his church, gave me a hug and told me will be praying for me.
When the nurse walked me out for check out she said "the doctor saw that you have no insurance and you are self pay... so he is not going to charge you, he says he will be praying for you"... Friends, tears started to come out of my eyes.... I don't understand, I am a mess, I am only dust, a wretch, why are you so good to me, you keep giving and giving, providing for every single need, taking care of me like a precious baby... I love you my God, I do not deserve anything, but you are so good to me!
20/20, never the need for glasses, but lately I see blurry sometimes, especially at night, so I got concern... my good friend Theresa Willis set me an appointment at the eye place she works (thank you friend!)...
God appointed the right doctor once again for me... a very nice christian, going over my medical history before the exam, he was so broken to know about my head situation and explained to me that maybe many of the blurry vision, etc may be caused by the medication I am taking... however, he run a complete set of tests... about one and half hour of tests... results... I am still 20/20! I jumped on the chair and said "Praise God" he was as happy as I was... he explained to me that the medicines I am taking are causing some high ocular pressure, but not that bad to be concern, that once I stop the medications, everything should be back to normal, gave me some eye vitamins, eye drops for the pressure and invited me to his church, gave me a hug and told me will be praying for me.
When the nurse walked me out for check out she said "the doctor saw that you have no insurance and you are self pay... so he is not going to charge you, he says he will be praying for you"... Friends, tears started to come out of my eyes.... I don't understand, I am a mess, I am only dust, a wretch, why are you so good to me, you keep giving and giving, providing for every single need, taking care of me like a precious baby... I love you my God, I do not deserve anything, but you are so good to me!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I have not been feeling good lately, I went to my primary doctor to update him about Shands and discuss me not feeling good lately... as many as you know I had gestational diabetes when pregnant, it went away when Bethany was born, but once you have gestational diabetes there is a high chance that diabetes may come back at any time... well, lately I've been feeling symptoms that I had when I had diabetes... the doctor run some lab work.... Praise God! no diabetes!... he explained to me that some of the medications I am taking will make me feel that way, but that i am fine, no diabetes, yeah!
I am starting to look like Popeye eating spinach... my face is getting all puffy, my cheeks are growing (lol) the doctor explained to me is one of the medications that is doing that, but is part of the deal, sorry... whenever is time to stop the medicine, everything will go back to normal... it is ok with me, God is showing me that beauty is within, the outside eventually will fade away anyways, what we have to water and take care of is the beauty of our heart. So, please don't be scare if you see me one of these days and you will have to pull my cheeks apart to see my eyes ...ha, ha, ha.
I have not been feeling good lately, I went to my primary doctor to update him about Shands and discuss me not feeling good lately... as many as you know I had gestational diabetes when pregnant, it went away when Bethany was born, but once you have gestational diabetes there is a high chance that diabetes may come back at any time... well, lately I've been feeling symptoms that I had when I had diabetes... the doctor run some lab work.... Praise God! no diabetes!... he explained to me that some of the medications I am taking will make me feel that way, but that i am fine, no diabetes, yeah!
I am starting to look like Popeye eating spinach... my face is getting all puffy, my cheeks are growing (lol) the doctor explained to me is one of the medications that is doing that, but is part of the deal, sorry... whenever is time to stop the medicine, everything will go back to normal... it is ok with me, God is showing me that beauty is within, the outside eventually will fade away anyways, what we have to water and take care of is the beauty of our heart. So, please don't be scare if you see me one of these days and you will have to pull my cheeks apart to see my eyes ...ha, ha, ha.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 9:26
Ray and his mom went to see the counselor... Do you know what that meant to me? Do you know how much peace in my heart that their heart are willing and open to receive counseling for the sake of my Bethany and be prepared for the months to come when mommy is gone? I can't tell you how much appreciate their effort and love to do this, and I praise God that he is allowing that to happen. Thank you Ray, Thank you Bonnie.
Since I have to cut my hair.... and Bethany loves my hair.... the counselor advised that I donate my hair to "locks of love" the ones that make wigs for kids that do not have her due to cancer... and that I do the "cut" with Bethany ... So, I went online and show Bethany the Locks of Love site and pictures of little girls without hair.. I said to Bethany "mommy has to cut her hair before she goes to the hospital, so I want to donate my hair to this people, they can make a wig for one of this little girls that have no hair, so that she can be happy having some hair on her head, what do yo think?... she gave me a hi5 and smiled... so I am going to braid a little bit of my hair, cut it an put it in a zip log bag with a letter for Bethany explaining the Locks of Love thing and for her to have as a keepsake, just as the counselor advised)... So, on Monday 22nd my good friend Kathy Cravatta is going to braid my hair and allow Bethany to cut it!... Bethany is excited and looking forward for that day!
I am so bless to have a wonderful, smart, loving girl, that loves to share and do good things for others! God you are so good!
Ray and his mom went to see the counselor... Do you know what that meant to me? Do you know how much peace in my heart that their heart are willing and open to receive counseling for the sake of my Bethany and be prepared for the months to come when mommy is gone? I can't tell you how much appreciate their effort and love to do this, and I praise God that he is allowing that to happen. Thank you Ray, Thank you Bonnie.
Since I have to cut my hair.... and Bethany loves my hair.... the counselor advised that I donate my hair to "locks of love" the ones that make wigs for kids that do not have her due to cancer... and that I do the "cut" with Bethany ... So, I went online and show Bethany the Locks of Love site and pictures of little girls without hair.. I said to Bethany "mommy has to cut her hair before she goes to the hospital, so I want to donate my hair to this people, they can make a wig for one of this little girls that have no hair, so that she can be happy having some hair on her head, what do yo think?... she gave me a hi5 and smiled... so I am going to braid a little bit of my hair, cut it an put it in a zip log bag with a letter for Bethany explaining the Locks of Love thing and for her to have as a keepsake, just as the counselor advised)... So, on Monday 22nd my good friend Kathy Cravatta is going to braid my hair and allow Bethany to cut it!... Bethany is excited and looking forward for that day!
I am so bless to have a wonderful, smart, loving girl, that loves to share and do good things for others! God you are so good!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgive all your sins and heal all your diseases, who redeems you life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion..." Psalm 103: 2-4
I apologize that I have not mention before a huge blessing in my life... I am new at blogging, so I am still trying to manage how to post things... Well, the blessing I am talking about is my good sister in Christ Kathy Wilson... you guys have no idea, what a wonderful, strong, christian lady... since everything happen she has been by my side, a real sister, putting herself aside to take care of me, driving me here and there, Tampa, Gainesville, calling me every day, blessing me with bible verses, praying for me, sharing with me... God has bonded my soul to hers, I am so bless to have her in my life... I'll post a picture of her, so that you all guys get to know her... and by the way, if I go for surgery or whatever happens to me, she will be the one keeping this blog going so that you guys know how I am doing, and what is going on with me....
Ok, my visit at Shands, I am so glad God open the door for me to come to this place, they are internationally know for being one of the best places for head and neck surgery....there is a waiting list, but there is nothing impossible for God, so when I talked to my primary Dr. he said to me...there is no way, you have no time... I told him...there is nothing impossible for God, please try... the same day the doctor call me and told me they accepted my case and that my appointment was on Tuesday Feb 16.... see....there is nothing impossible for God!
According to the people that work at Shands Dr. Murad is one of the best neurosurgeons there, I met him and he allowed me to pray before we started.... my impression is that he is very honest, straight to the point and clear... after he read the medical reports, and looked at the MRI's on the screen, slide by slide, he said "Sofia, I am not going to give you any answers... in your case this is what I am going to do... I am not going to take a decision on my own, this may not even be a tumor... I am going to call for a Medical Board Meeting, I am going to put together a team ... an oncologist, a radiologist, a pathologist and 2 o 3 other neurosurgeons. we are going to put your case on the table, images on the screen and discuss your case/options" But there is something I need, it is imperative that as soon as you come back to PC you FedEx me the first MRI done to your brain the day of the called "stroke".... So, I asked the Dr..... did you say options?... He answered "yes, I am not about to cut my patients head just because, I like to study the cases, I may call you after the board and tell you concrete answers then, but now, I can not tell you anything"... you have to wait for my call, and after that depending on what we decide treatment or surgery may happen in 4 to 6 weeks...
I was happy about his honesty, but to be honest with you I was a little bit upset because I wanted an answer right away, whatever good or bad... then came to my mind that just days ago I talked to a friend that is going through a health situation and she expressed to me her frustration about having to wait longer for her treatment, answers and outcome of her health situation, and that I told her... wait for the Lord's timing, maybe if you get your treatment as soon as you want to, it may not work, and the outcome will not be the right one... relax and take comfort that His timing is perfect, trust Him... Then, the same words that I said to her, came to my mind, and I said Lord, forgive me, I trust you, and I'll wait for your perfect timing. I look at the Doctor, shook his hand and said thank you, you have been very nice, honest and I will wait for your call.
I am so happy God put this doctor my way, I felt like he looked at me not as patient number 9, but as Sofia Wilcox a human that needs help, a patient he wants to take care of.... after that visit, you have no idea the weight that was lifted from my shoulders, the peace... can't describe...
All honor and power, all praises to God!
I apologize that I have not mention before a huge blessing in my life... I am new at blogging, so I am still trying to manage how to post things... Well, the blessing I am talking about is my good sister in Christ Kathy Wilson... you guys have no idea, what a wonderful, strong, christian lady... since everything happen she has been by my side, a real sister, putting herself aside to take care of me, driving me here and there, Tampa, Gainesville, calling me every day, blessing me with bible verses, praying for me, sharing with me... God has bonded my soul to hers, I am so bless to have her in my life... I'll post a picture of her, so that you all guys get to know her... and by the way, if I go for surgery or whatever happens to me, she will be the one keeping this blog going so that you guys know how I am doing, and what is going on with me....
Ok, my visit at Shands, I am so glad God open the door for me to come to this place, they are internationally know for being one of the best places for head and neck surgery....there is a waiting list, but there is nothing impossible for God, so when I talked to my primary Dr. he said to me...there is no way, you have no time... I told him...there is nothing impossible for God, please try... the same day the doctor call me and told me they accepted my case and that my appointment was on Tuesday Feb 16.... see....there is nothing impossible for God!
According to the people that work at Shands Dr. Murad is one of the best neurosurgeons there, I met him and he allowed me to pray before we started.... my impression is that he is very honest, straight to the point and clear... after he read the medical reports, and looked at the MRI's on the screen, slide by slide, he said "Sofia, I am not going to give you any answers... in your case this is what I am going to do... I am not going to take a decision on my own, this may not even be a tumor... I am going to call for a Medical Board Meeting, I am going to put together a team ... an oncologist, a radiologist, a pathologist and 2 o 3 other neurosurgeons. we are going to put your case on the table, images on the screen and discuss your case/options" But there is something I need, it is imperative that as soon as you come back to PC you FedEx me the first MRI done to your brain the day of the called "stroke".... So, I asked the Dr..... did you say options?... He answered "yes, I am not about to cut my patients head just because, I like to study the cases, I may call you after the board and tell you concrete answers then, but now, I can not tell you anything"... you have to wait for my call, and after that depending on what we decide treatment or surgery may happen in 4 to 6 weeks...
I was happy about his honesty, but to be honest with you I was a little bit upset because I wanted an answer right away, whatever good or bad... then came to my mind that just days ago I talked to a friend that is going through a health situation and she expressed to me her frustration about having to wait longer for her treatment, answers and outcome of her health situation, and that I told her... wait for the Lord's timing, maybe if you get your treatment as soon as you want to, it may not work, and the outcome will not be the right one... relax and take comfort that His timing is perfect, trust Him... Then, the same words that I said to her, came to my mind, and I said Lord, forgive me, I trust you, and I'll wait for your perfect timing. I look at the Doctor, shook his hand and said thank you, you have been very nice, honest and I will wait for your call.
I am so happy God put this doctor my way, I felt like he looked at me not as patient number 9, but as Sofia Wilcox a human that needs help, a patient he wants to take care of.... after that visit, you have no idea the weight that was lifted from my shoulders, the peace... can't describe...
All honor and power, all praises to God!
Monday, February 15, 2010
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
What a day, exhausted, but with so much joy in my heart! Went to work, what an amazing day... I had a lot of bedside patients today, meaning... they are like sleeping and is very difficult to have them open their mouths so that I can do my job.... but, miracle happen... God helped me, I started talking softly next to their ears, telling them that Jesus loves them and that I want them to please open the mouth so that I can make them feel better, I started to sing to my patients "All for Jesus, all for Jesus, all I am and have..." mouth open, full treatment done... I was in awe, and the nurse... one of my patients even smiled at me... another one open his eyes and stared at me with wide mouth open allowing me to do a full treatment... another one move her hand and hold mine with love... what a blessing, felt like crying every time... The nurse smiled at me at the end and said "you are good man!" (lol).
Thank you God for this job and what are you allowing me to do, sharing your love with others.
What a day, exhausted, but with so much joy in my heart! Went to work, what an amazing day... I had a lot of bedside patients today, meaning... they are like sleeping and is very difficult to have them open their mouths so that I can do my job.... but, miracle happen... God helped me, I started talking softly next to their ears, telling them that Jesus loves them and that I want them to please open the mouth so that I can make them feel better, I started to sing to my patients "All for Jesus, all for Jesus, all I am and have..." mouth open, full treatment done... I was in awe, and the nurse... one of my patients even smiled at me... another one open his eyes and stared at me with wide mouth open allowing me to do a full treatment... another one move her hand and hold mine with love... what a blessing, felt like crying every time... The nurse smiled at me at the end and said "you are good man!" (lol).
Thank you God for this job and what are you allowing me to do, sharing your love with others.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
"Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act." Psalm 37:7
What an amazing Valentine's day, the best Valentine's day I have ever had in my life... I am so in love with Jesus! He loves me so much that gave me the best Valentine's present, his own life, his own blood, what a gift!
Today at church I was anointed with oil and the pastor and leaders of church prayed for me, what a blessing, meant so much.
God also appointed me to one of the leaders from church to give me advice and guide me about what is to come, prepare for the months to come financially, medically, etc, he and his wife were so nice giving me advice and guiding me in that sense, how helpful, and God gave me once again so much peace about it.
Breaking the news to Bethany, after church I followed the counselor advice, took Bethany to Lowe's to the garden section, told her to pick a big flower pot and that we will pick then flowers and plant them at home... while in the garden area I sat her on my lap and said "Bethany, you know mommy is sick, the doctors have to remove something that is on mommy's head to make her feel better, so mama has to spend sometime in the hospital, but mama may die and go to heaven too" ..she crawled on my lap like a little baby and start crying non stopping, I was crying too... just as the counselor told me, if she cries is good, because that means she is able to express her emotions, crying is the best reaction.... after about 5 minutes I lifted her chin up and said "it is not your fault, sickness and death is part of life, remember it is not your fault Bethany.... I love you, you are precious to mommy and God, remember it is not your fault... then she stopped crying and ask me for a soda (I got her a Pepsi, I thought some caffeine will be helpful!)... then, she asked..."can we pick up the flowers for the pot?... and we kept going if like nothing had happened, picked up flowers and a nice arrangement of flowers to visit her grandma for Valentine's ... Then we stopped by grandma's (as the counselor suggested) and sat on the floor and talked openly that Bethany knows what is going on with mommy, etc... Grandma was very supportive and loved on Bethany.
Then, just as the counselor told me I talked to Bethany's hands.... took both hands right and left and talked to them "Right hand and Left hand, your job is to love Bethany, she is going to be sad at times and miss mommy, she may be mad at times, and when that happens your job hands is to love on her, to hold her tight, to rub gently on her, pass gently through her hair that feels good, rub on her heart, she is precious, God, mommy, Daddy, Grandma, everyone loves her, and you hands, your job is to love on her too... Bethany kept looking at her hands and at my face, she smiled, she understood... Thank you God!
By far my friends, this has been the most difficult thing I have done in my life... telling my daughter that I may die??? God put the right words in my mouth, there is no way I could have done it without Him doing it actually for me....
What an amazing Valentine's day, the best Valentine's day I have ever had in my life... I am so in love with Jesus! He loves me so much that gave me the best Valentine's present, his own life, his own blood, what a gift!
Today at church I was anointed with oil and the pastor and leaders of church prayed for me, what a blessing, meant so much.
God also appointed me to one of the leaders from church to give me advice and guide me about what is to come, prepare for the months to come financially, medically, etc, he and his wife were so nice giving me advice and guiding me in that sense, how helpful, and God gave me once again so much peace about it.
Breaking the news to Bethany, after church I followed the counselor advice, took Bethany to Lowe's to the garden section, told her to pick a big flower pot and that we will pick then flowers and plant them at home... while in the garden area I sat her on my lap and said "Bethany, you know mommy is sick, the doctors have to remove something that is on mommy's head to make her feel better, so mama has to spend sometime in the hospital, but mama may die and go to heaven too" ..she crawled on my lap like a little baby and start crying non stopping, I was crying too... just as the counselor told me, if she cries is good, because that means she is able to express her emotions, crying is the best reaction.... after about 5 minutes I lifted her chin up and said "it is not your fault, sickness and death is part of life, remember it is not your fault Bethany.... I love you, you are precious to mommy and God, remember it is not your fault... then she stopped crying and ask me for a soda (I got her a Pepsi, I thought some caffeine will be helpful!)... then, she asked..."can we pick up the flowers for the pot?... and we kept going if like nothing had happened, picked up flowers and a nice arrangement of flowers to visit her grandma for Valentine's ... Then we stopped by grandma's (as the counselor suggested) and sat on the floor and talked openly that Bethany knows what is going on with mommy, etc... Grandma was very supportive and loved on Bethany.
Then, just as the counselor told me I talked to Bethany's hands.... took both hands right and left and talked to them "Right hand and Left hand, your job is to love Bethany, she is going to be sad at times and miss mommy, she may be mad at times, and when that happens your job hands is to love on her, to hold her tight, to rub gently on her, pass gently through her hair that feels good, rub on her heart, she is precious, God, mommy, Daddy, Grandma, everyone loves her, and you hands, your job is to love on her too... Bethany kept looking at her hands and at my face, she smiled, she understood... Thank you God!
By far my friends, this has been the most difficult thing I have done in my life... telling my daughter that I may die??? God put the right words in my mouth, there is no way I could have done it without Him doing it actually for me....
Friday, February 12, 2010
"With God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26
God woke me up early this morning with a terrible pain on my knees, but I am happy He did... because, He woke me up with a purpose, first to be able to have a stress-free morning and have everything ready on time to go to work and... to receive a very important call from my uncle Victor (He is my father's brother and to me my father too-- my father die when I was 10, since then, uncle Victor has been like me father to me). So he called to check on me, following up on my health, etc... but, confession here, although I love him so much, and I have shared my faith with, I have never got the guts to straight forward talk about Jesus, afraid of him rejecting me and asking me not to talk about it again... for the longest time I said to myself "I'll talk to him next time"... but, today everything went different, we talked on the phone for very, very long... I told him my dad gave his heart to Jesus one week before he died, and that because of his decision I have full confidence that I'll see him again...Uncle Victor started to ask questions, I shared with him why I believe what I believe and how I have full confidence that if I die today I'll go straight to heaven and that I will see my Jesus and my dad again... I asked him if he will pray with me and accept Jesus as Lord and Savior.... He prayed with me on the phone and accepted Jesus in his heart! I heard him crying on the line, I was crying too... Now I know that when the time come I am going to see my dad and my uncle too! Can't describe you how I feel!!!! After the call, got on my knees and praise God, jumped, danced with joy! SEE, THANK YOU GOD YOU HAVE THIS MASS, TUMOR, WHATEVER THING IS IN MY HEAD... NOTHING OF THIS WONDERFUL THINGS WILL BE HAPPENING IF THIS THING WILL NOT BE ON MY HEAD.... THANK YOU, THANK YOU IT IS ON MY HEAD!!! YOU ARE USING MY LIFE NOW, THANK YOU FOR USING MY LIFE FOR YOUR GLORY AND PURPOSE!
After that call, the pain on my knees completely went away... God gave me once again the energy and strength to do my work, share his love with my patients and nurses, another successful day at work! thank you my dear Papa!
God woke me up early this morning with a terrible pain on my knees, but I am happy He did... because, He woke me up with a purpose, first to be able to have a stress-free morning and have everything ready on time to go to work and... to receive a very important call from my uncle Victor (He is my father's brother and to me my father too-- my father die when I was 10, since then, uncle Victor has been like me father to me). So he called to check on me, following up on my health, etc... but, confession here, although I love him so much, and I have shared my faith with, I have never got the guts to straight forward talk about Jesus, afraid of him rejecting me and asking me not to talk about it again... for the longest time I said to myself "I'll talk to him next time"... but, today everything went different, we talked on the phone for very, very long... I told him my dad gave his heart to Jesus one week before he died, and that because of his decision I have full confidence that I'll see him again...Uncle Victor started to ask questions, I shared with him why I believe what I believe and how I have full confidence that if I die today I'll go straight to heaven and that I will see my Jesus and my dad again... I asked him if he will pray with me and accept Jesus as Lord and Savior.... He prayed with me on the phone and accepted Jesus in his heart! I heard him crying on the line, I was crying too... Now I know that when the time come I am going to see my dad and my uncle too! Can't describe you how I feel!!!! After the call, got on my knees and praise God, jumped, danced with joy! SEE, THANK YOU GOD YOU HAVE THIS MASS, TUMOR, WHATEVER THING IS IN MY HEAD... NOTHING OF THIS WONDERFUL THINGS WILL BE HAPPENING IF THIS THING WILL NOT BE ON MY HEAD.... THANK YOU, THANK YOU IT IS ON MY HEAD!!! YOU ARE USING MY LIFE NOW, THANK YOU FOR USING MY LIFE FOR YOUR GLORY AND PURPOSE!
After that call, the pain on my knees completely went away... God gave me once again the energy and strength to do my work, share his love with my patients and nurses, another successful day at work! thank you my dear Papa!
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