Wednesday, March 31, 2010

"He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs;" Psalm 107:35

Healing time... time to rest, gain strength, healing of the soul and mind. I cannot find answers to many things that are happening to me, but I am learning day by day to rest in the Lord and to find peace knowing He is in control and He knows what is happening to me, that He will bring healing at the right time and that his plans for me are not to hurt me, but take care of me. I am learning to be patient and to let things go (letting Him be in control, not me). It is not easy... but, the Lord is good, He's brought to me really good friend that are helping me, praying for me, encouraging me when I am down; I see His hands reaching down to me through his people.
Although I feel like my life has been cut in a way (not been able to work, if I am sick not been able to take care of Bethany, sometimes not driving because of blurry vision, etc) I can say I am blessed, I am learning so much during this time of trial, meeting wonderful people, being touch by their lives, and getting to know friends I had for a long time, but that hectic life did not allow me to really "know" them and allowing them to get to know the "real me".

Please keep Bethany and myself in prayer... Bethany misses me, but can't take care of her right now 'til I get better. For me 'cause although the brain mass is shrinking (and God allowing will keep shrinking), there are so many other things going on with me that the doctors have no answer to and really slowing me down like ... taking care of my Bethany, house, work, etc. It could be fear of the unknown, I have to go back to Shands in 6 weeks for another MRI and see the progress of the mass, 'til then I am in "Limbo"... but, enough of me... I have to say that when in Shands I really found encouragement from my friend that was receiving treatment there... If I think I am having a rough time, you should see my friend... her body is going through so much, but she keeps the battle, chin up, and fighting like a soldier, not giving up. (I love you Karen, you inspire me, and I keep praying for a quick healing).

God blessings to all of you,

Monday, March 29, 2010

"How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! It is like precious oil poured on the head... For the Lord bestows his blessings, even life forevermore." Psalm 133: 1-3

I should be heading back home tomorrow. I was discharged from the hospital, but no ride home 'til Tuesday. Long story short, I did not have a place to stay, and the doctors did not want me to stay by myself in a hotel, because of the new meds they have me in. So, He blessed me one more time, and a friend receiving treatment at Shands (at the same time I was there) offered me her parent's place to stay 'til I can be picked up. Staying with her parents has been a blessing, we can always learn so much from others and rejoice fellowship with new friends. By sharing with them God has reminded me that my life and health is in his hands, that only He knows the days of my life and my future... I have realize that although I say I trust Him, many times I fail and try to take control of all things, and when I can't control a situation I break down (my health is something I have no control over it, when things don't seem good, and doctors can't figure out what is wrong, I get very frustraded and down). The Lord is working in my life, sometimes it hurts, but I still need to learn so much more, and learn to trust Him overall.

March 26, 2010

"O Lord, the king rejoices in your strength. How great is his joy in the victories you give! you have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips... He asked you for life, and you gave it to him - length of days, forever and ever." Psalm 21: 1-5

Our lives are in His hands... I don't know exactly what is He doing in my life, but I do recognize His hands working with a purpose all the way.
The head of the neurosurgery dpt visited me today, he gave me good news, he confirmed the mass is shrinking... he said "shrinking of a mass like yours is very unusual, I only know 2 cases where shrinking happened. However is still there, so we have to keep it in observation". In 2 months I have to come, get another MRI and see him. He is taking me totally from the steroids (and I am very happy about it). I told him that I praise God for it... there is nothing impossible for our amazing God. Now, the mass still there, anything can happen from now on, but ... anything can happen to any of us at any moment... we could slip and fall, be hit by a car, etc and go home with God... as the Bible verse says "... all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be...". Psalm 139:16

Now, the doctors have no answer for what happened to me on Tuesday, but they are treating my severe chronic migraines. I have a neurologist here now working on my case... according to the doctors I never had a stroke, but we want to treat the chronic migraines to avoid one and get under control these things that are happening to me.

Today was not a good day, they tried a new med for the chronic pain, and I did not react well to it, actually I had an awful day, tomorrow I'll see the neurologist again, and probably try a new drug again, hope this time I will react well to it. I am also receiving this Heparin injections in my belly, and they are not fun. They are to avoid blood clots to form, since I am in bed for long periods of time.

I may stay 'til Friday, the doctors want me to take it easy 'til then, so I am going to continue working for my momma (which I really enjoy) for the hours my body can tolerate, and enjoy the company of my sisters in Christ.

I gotta go for now, I had a though day, I feel like I've been hit by a bus, but I am bless and happy since I won't have to have surgery or radiation or chemo... things may change in the future, but for now my amazing God has spare me from it, and I pray he will grant me a long life, that he will allow me to see my grandchildren and be there for my Bethany to help her out racing her kids. My life is in His hands.

Love you all, and hope to see you soon.

Thursday, March 25 2010

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

This Bible verse I read in a moment of complete confusion... The EMS guys were rolling me into the hospital (Shands in Gainesville) and here they have a wall with tiles made by little kids that are fighting cancer... when waiting for the elevator, that tile with the Bible verse really touched my heart.
I was doing better I thought, but on Tuesday I was cooking dinner for Bethany and myself, I was happy to have Bethany with me and I had a fun night prepared for us, I was looking forward to see her and spend time with her... all of the sudden my arms and legs went numb, felt like fainting, blurred vision and horrible nausea... next I called mama Susan and my sister in Christ Belinda rushed to my house and took me to the emergency room (Gulf Coast). run CT Scan, MRI, not a stroke, actually the good news is that the brain growth mass is shrinking, it has shrink 1cm. but the Doctors had no clue what is going on with me. They admitted me, and at least the doctors were honest enough to say : " We do not know what to do, cause we don't know what is going on with you" so they transferred me by ambulance last night here to Shands".
If you haven't been transported in an ambulance before (hope you never will) I feel sorry for people with broken bones or serious things going on, because on the back of that ambulance you feel everything, every bump, every move, etc and the (whatever are call) beds, are as hard as a rock... and we traveled for about 6 hours!!! the EMS guys were really nice though, so I had a good ride here.
It was very difficult to kiss my Bethany good bye yesterday and telling here that I will be in the hospital for a while, we hugged, she cried, and I cried too. I honestly don't understand many things, doctors don't understand either what is going on... but God knows, and in that time of confusion is when I saw that Bible verse that a little kid decided to write in the form of art work.
My faith is little, but just like the song says "whatever you are doing inside of me, it is ok... you are up to something bigger than me"... I still need to learn to trust in the Lord completely and let things go, let him take complete control of my life, and now I see I haven't been doing that.
This hospital is really nice, I have my own bedroom with a big window and a beautiful view. the nurses and staff are very nice. I've been seen by 5 doctors already, but the head of the neurosurgery dpt has been on surgery all day long, so the other doctors that are under him are waiting to meet with him tomorrow, and sometime in the morning tomorrow they will see me and tell me what is going on...
You know, I just realize that sometimes we can receive news, even if they are not the ones you want to hear, but at least you prepare your mind for it... but is very difficult to face the unknown... however, that is the time when we have to trust God and "lean not on our own understanding", because we have to trust He has the perfect plan for our lives.
I praise Him, He soooo knows when my faith is falling apart, when I am broken and I start loosing it, then in a way that I least expect He send his word to me, that comfort me and bring me strength.
All these is opening my eyes as well as the importance of the body of Christ, how bless I am to have my family around... my sisters and brothers in Christ. Now here in Gainesville I don't know anyone, however my mama Susan has put me in touch with a good friend of her that will be visiting tomorrow and have some of the elders of the church coming to pray with me tomorrow... there was so much love in her voice when she called me this afternoon... God always reaches out to us in ways that we never expect...
Thank you for keeping me in your prayers, I really need them, and hope to see you all very soon.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

"Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 16

The verse above has given me a lot of peace. I worry so much about what may happen next, but God keeps telling me... "I already know, I am in control, and you will be fine, I will never leave you, never forsake you, I know everything that you are going to do, and the days that you are going to live, and all that I am allowing is according to my plan, my perfect plan" ... sometimes is just so hard for me to listen and understand when He talks to me, I am so happy He is so patient and loves me no matter what.

The Dr. from Shands is taking me off the steroids (Thank you Lord), but on Tuesday the 16th I had my first withdrawal from the drug. I felt like dying, and thought I was... I've never felt that awful feeling before, I can't describe it, the only thing I can say is that I was shaking, crying, feeling like the world was crushing down on me, and that I was about to die... I almost broke the slow process of lowering the those of the steroid (I am still taking it, but every day I have to extend 2 hours before taking it), I was about to take 4 of them at the same time just to feel better (that would have been really bad). I call my (mama) my good friend Susan, she started to pray for me on the phone and sent her sister to take me to the doctor right away. What did the doctor say? she run a couple of test and sent me out for another one, but according to her knowledge I was having a withdrawal from the drug. All the other test that she run, including the one she sent me to another place, were ok. I am fine, I am not dying... Then the Dr. I am seeing in Shands, the PA called me back, and she said the same thing, she told me that I am going to experience a lot of things, that I am going to feel awful 'til my body detoxifies completely... I still have 6 more days to go to be entirely off that horrible chemical, and for what I know, about a week or 2 until my body completely eliminates the drug. Please help me with prayers, there are times I feel just fine, but then I have my moments, and feel terrible, can't really describe it, is a very weird feeling I have never experience in my life before.

Now, this gives me a complete different perspective about addiction, and about my brother and sister that are in a rehab program or are walking down the street living with an addiction that can not break from. If what I am taking (prescribed drug) and been monitored by a Doctor and taking away so slowly is causing me withdrawal symptoms and it so hard on me and producing this horrible, terrible feelings in my body... How hard it must be for my brothers and sisters to try to get clean and free of an illegal drug that their bodies have become addicted to?
I am just getting a small glimpse of what they go through.

Sometimes I say... well, it was their decision to start taking a drug on the first place, but then I realize that is the wrong way of thinking... yes, it was their decision to take it, but... Don't we all make mistakes... Don't we all fall at some point and do something we know we are not suppose to do?, and this poor souls made the big mistake of trying something their bodies will get attach to... sometimes, it takes only one time. Our bodies are unique, we all react differently; some of us can take a type of drug for a period of time and don't become addicted to it, for others one or 2 times and that's it, they are addicted, and at that point they don't realize it, they continue with it thinking they are in control, but in reality the chemical has taken control of their lives already.

I have to confess that I've been very bad at judging people on this subject, by this experience God is working in my heart and letting me see addiction, and my brother and sister walking on the street, in a different way. When reading my Bible, this verse cross my way "Do not judge, or you too will be judge. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judge, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2

I'll be going to Shands in 9 days (If God wants) I should have a concrete answer about what is next by then. For now I am just fighting a sinus infection (that creates more pressure on my head and is driving me crazy) and the up and downs of cleaning my body from the horrible steroids.

If I receive any news I'll keep you posted... Julia Gazagnaire (my best friend) will be helping me with the blog once in a while if I am not available to keep the blog up, and keep you posted on what is going on.

"Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble. The Lord will protect him and preserve his life; he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes." Psalm 41: 1-2

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion." Psalm 103: 2-4

Today has been a really good day, so many things have happened this past week, I want to share with all of you.

The first one is a perspective of life that God has shown me, I call it the "ring of life". I was looking at my ring one day that was on the table, and then saw the ring as my life, the middle of the ring my life... last year, me trying to fulfill that middle with so many things... not understanding that the only one that can fulfill, satisfy, complete that middle of the ring (my life) is God... nothing, no one can do that, but God. Around the ring I have some words engraved... Jesus showed me... around the ring I will put precious stones, pearls, but remember, they are around your life, they are not the center, I am the center, the only one that can fulfill your heart and complete you. Around the ring are gifts that I give around your life, like Bethany (she is a pearl in my ring of life). Jesus is the center of our lives, our kids, husbands/wives/jobs/careers, etc are things that God give to us as gifts to go around our lives, and just because He is so good to us and loves us so much, not because we deserve it.
Wow, my eyes have been so far from the truth, what a hard head! It is taking what I have on my head to understand, to learn every day...

Things to praise God for, many... He is so at work all the time... you know my family is far away, you are my friends, brothers and sisters, you are that extended family that God has put on my path, and lately He has bless me with a momma, and new sisters too. I went to visit my lawyer (I think I have mentioned before in one of my blogs), she is a strong christian lady, a christian warrior, she was very sad to hear the news about my health, but since then she has literally put me under her wings. the girls that work for her are all wonderful, and always call checking on me and giving me words of encouragement. Susan is doing so many things for me during this time, praying, loving, encouraging me, she is a blessing in my life.
Because of the medication I take (I told you this before) I can't work, but God has provided a job at my mamma's office, I am so blessed! getting a job this days it is not easy, thank you Lord for providing this job!

Now, last... Shand's news... finally! I woke up this morning and pray "Lord, please, let the Dr. call me, I am not feeling well lately, I have good days, but also bad days, and headaches are back every day, the medications is really taking control of my life,... please, let me Dr. call me... and give me peace he cares about my case...
Well, after dropping Bethany at school, around 830 the phone rung... Ms. Wilcox? This is Dr. Murad... it amazed me how God answers me right away... the news, he waited to call me because he wanted to discuss my case with other doctors, so he waited until having answers... I did not receive a concrete answer, but in few words what he said is that they believe is not cancer, it is not a brain tumor... they believe is a "Rare Brain Growth" called "L'hermitte Duclos"... He wants to see me again and run another MRI, the team fears for what they call "the mass effect" which basically it is this growth blocking the brain fluid and causing damage... I guess like having a stroke... He also said that surgery is risky on that area and he is afraid about loosing my coordination, motor skills after surgery, but on the other hand we have the "mass effect" because of the area where is located. He said he will talk to me more when he sees me.
I still have to wait for the secretary to call me and give me the time, but I know he has set up the day for March 30th.
That means we have 20 days to pray over this, so humbly I ask you join me in prayer over this, I believe God can do a miracle and that after having that MRI that thing could be gone, if it is God's will. God may have other plans for me, and it is ok with me, I want His will to be done, not mine. I know He has the perfect plan for me.
Love you,

Monday, March 1, 2010

"And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. "You should teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."

Today was a very special day for me and Bethany, we celebrated her birthday (with anticipation, since I don't know when the dr's. are going to call and say "come"). So, he had a mommy and me princess birthday day.

We dressed up like princesses (Thank you Stephanie for the customs) and went out (with good pair of tennis shoes anticipating a lot of walking!).

First we stopped by a Salon to have a royal treatment (thank you Misti for recommending Solace Day Spa & Salon). We sat next to each other and had our hair done, Bethany was so happy with her hair, she had the "Bella" look. Then they applied make up, and when mommy's make up turn, Bethany picked up the colors and help put lipstick on me... but, it is not over yet, then they painted our nails... For Bethany was a dream come true, having a big girl salon day with mommy? I'll try to post as many pictures as this blog allows me... her face expressions tells it all! and mommy's heart was filled with joy!
Of course, the entire royal treatment would have cost me a lot, but God put on my way this wonderful lady with a heart of gold "Jennifer Staerker" the owner, and she worked things out for me (thank you for the gift) hug me and told me she'll be praying for me (Thank you Jennifer for making our wish come true). The girls that took care of us, the best! Tiffany what a heart for kids, she did a wonderful job with her hair and make up, and made Bethany feel like a real princess (thank you so much Tiffany). Amber, thank you for my hair, you showed me a new way to style it, and I like it! and Heather, our nails looked beautiful, Bethany keeps looking and showing them to everyone!
Then we headed to the streets of Pier Park, window shopping and just having fun. Went to see the "Tooth Fairy" at the grand... Bethany laugh the entire movie, very clean and funny movie to see. After the movie Bethany kept talking about it, she really liked it.
Ice cream time after that... this time I have to confess I spoiled my kid, she got all kind of sweets on that ice cream, from marshmallows to gummy bears and more, more, sugar... you know what sugar means for parents right???
Of course we had to take a train ride and wave to everyone like princesses, Bethany waved to everyone and of course everyone waved back at her, she said a princess always waves and smiles like Cinderella.
The day was almost gone, and mommy was exhausted... although I had tennis shoes, my feet were hurting so bad!... but, one more thing to do... I told Bethany I'll take her to pick a birthday present and then we will head home. I told her that will have to be a small one, but she understood, gave me a kiss and said, thank you mommy, I love you... and that ... was the best medicine, magical healing pouring in my heart.

I love the idea of technology and all these new toys out there, but too many choices... too many... for a 5 year old about to turn 6, just too many choices... confuses and frustrates the kid in a way... SO I told her, pick all the toys you like and put them in a cart, mommy is going to sit on the floor and rest while you do that... once that cart is full we will put them all on the floor and then pick half of them and put away the other half that you don't like that much.... so she did... the cart was full all the way to the top! in my mind there was only one word "Mercy!"... THEN... I helped her out to put all the toys on the floor (I was so happy that Target at Pier Park was almost empty, so we were able to do this)... Bethany picked 10 toys to put away, and we put the other 10 favorite ones back in the cart. To avoid more temptation I took the cart to the kitchen section, then we did the same, all 10 toys on the floor, she picked 5 favorite ones and we put away (mommy did so that she did not have to be on the toy section again) and we went to the furniture section... she had to pick 2 out of 5... she took her time, but mommy was resting sitting down on the floor, so it was ok, ha, ha, ha. Finally she picked a Barbie electric guitar and a dog that swims in the bath tub and when dry barks and walks (nothing really special, plastic one) and the guitar just a pretend electric guitar... the interesting thing about this is that the dog is the first toy she picked at the toy section, I asked her you have so many toys similar, that is just a plastic dog that swims in the but tub... she said, has a sad face, he needs me...
At the end, she picked the electric guitar... I did not have the energy to go back to the toy section, so I left the dog at the furniture section (bad me I know)... and went with the electric guitar, then Bethany stopped me and with a sad face said "mommy, I am sorry, but I changed my mind, the dog needs me, I don't want the guitar, please"... so, we rush to the furniture section and the dog was still there (thank you God, cause at that point I was completely depleted from energy), Bethany grabbed the dog and start to kiss him and hug him, that was very intersting to see.
After that we head back.
Thank you God for making this day possible, thank you for providing for this day to happen, you provided everything! thank you for putting the right people my way and making our wish come true! Today, Bethany celebrated her birthday, today I celebrated her life and my life... God, you are awesome, thank you so much for life!