Saturday, March 20, 2010

"Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 16

The verse above has given me a lot of peace. I worry so much about what may happen next, but God keeps telling me... "I already know, I am in control, and you will be fine, I will never leave you, never forsake you, I know everything that you are going to do, and the days that you are going to live, and all that I am allowing is according to my plan, my perfect plan" ... sometimes is just so hard for me to listen and understand when He talks to me, I am so happy He is so patient and loves me no matter what.

The Dr. from Shands is taking me off the steroids (Thank you Lord), but on Tuesday the 16th I had my first withdrawal from the drug. I felt like dying, and thought I was... I've never felt that awful feeling before, I can't describe it, the only thing I can say is that I was shaking, crying, feeling like the world was crushing down on me, and that I was about to die... I almost broke the slow process of lowering the those of the steroid (I am still taking it, but every day I have to extend 2 hours before taking it), I was about to take 4 of them at the same time just to feel better (that would have been really bad). I call my (mama) my good friend Susan, she started to pray for me on the phone and sent her sister to take me to the doctor right away. What did the doctor say? she run a couple of test and sent me out for another one, but according to her knowledge I was having a withdrawal from the drug. All the other test that she run, including the one she sent me to another place, were ok. I am fine, I am not dying... Then the Dr. I am seeing in Shands, the PA called me back, and she said the same thing, she told me that I am going to experience a lot of things, that I am going to feel awful 'til my body detoxifies completely... I still have 6 more days to go to be entirely off that horrible chemical, and for what I know, about a week or 2 until my body completely eliminates the drug. Please help me with prayers, there are times I feel just fine, but then I have my moments, and feel terrible, can't really describe it, is a very weird feeling I have never experience in my life before.

Now, this gives me a complete different perspective about addiction, and about my brother and sister that are in a rehab program or are walking down the street living with an addiction that can not break from. If what I am taking (prescribed drug) and been monitored by a Doctor and taking away so slowly is causing me withdrawal symptoms and it so hard on me and producing this horrible, terrible feelings in my body... How hard it must be for my brothers and sisters to try to get clean and free of an illegal drug that their bodies have become addicted to?
I am just getting a small glimpse of what they go through.

Sometimes I say... well, it was their decision to start taking a drug on the first place, but then I realize that is the wrong way of thinking... yes, it was their decision to take it, but... Don't we all make mistakes... Don't we all fall at some point and do something we know we are not suppose to do?, and this poor souls made the big mistake of trying something their bodies will get attach to... sometimes, it takes only one time. Our bodies are unique, we all react differently; some of us can take a type of drug for a period of time and don't become addicted to it, for others one or 2 times and that's it, they are addicted, and at that point they don't realize it, they continue with it thinking they are in control, but in reality the chemical has taken control of their lives already.

I have to confess that I've been very bad at judging people on this subject, by this experience God is working in my heart and letting me see addiction, and my brother and sister walking on the street, in a different way. When reading my Bible, this verse cross my way "Do not judge, or you too will be judge. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judge, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2

I'll be going to Shands in 9 days (If God wants) I should have a concrete answer about what is next by then. For now I am just fighting a sinus infection (that creates more pressure on my head and is driving me crazy) and the up and downs of cleaning my body from the horrible steroids.

If I receive any news I'll keep you posted... Julia Gazagnaire (my best friend) will be helping me with the blog once in a while if I am not available to keep the blog up, and keep you posted on what is going on.

"Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble. The Lord will protect him and preserve his life; he will bless him in the land and not surrender him to the desire of his foes." Psalm 41: 1-2