Friday, January 1st, 2010

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And when you pass through the rivers, They will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, You will not be burned; The flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

On January 1st, 2010 my life turned completely around, a "stroke"...5 days in the hospital, then after tons of exams the stroke was ruled out, doctors in town said "brain tumor"...you have few weeks to decide for surgery, otherwise with our symptoms you may drop on the floor, be paralyzed for life or die, may happen any time, weeks, months or few years from now 3 or max. 5. Shocking news for me, couldn't stop crying... Why me Lord, I am 35! I have a beautiful daughter that I love with all my heart, goals in life, things to achieve, you just gave me a new job that I love... Why me Father?

Friends, how wrong I was, asking God why me, why is this happening to me, everything was looking gray, sad, wrong, punishment?... Today, I see things in a completely different light... I have finally stooped asking why this is happening to me... Now God has given me this huge pair or bionic glasses to allow me see better; He has let me borrow His eyes for a second, and now I see...

My life has been so self centered, so selfish, thinking about me, me, me; opening my eyes every morning thinking about all the things that need to be done, chores, achieve goals for the future, how to make more money, how to succeed in this broken world, trying to fill my heart with foolish things that thought will complete me and bring satisfaction in my life... how foolish, how wrong...

See, when I gave my heart to Christ I said I will follow him, that I will obey him and my life will be dedicated to him... did I do what I said I will... of course not....'til all these has happened I've been living far from the truth.

Today, I have stopped asking God why is this happening to me, today I proudly say 'THANK YOU GOD THAT I HAVE THIS THING ON MY HEAD, IT IS A BLESSING I HAVE IT!!" I praise you God that you put this on my head, because if is not that is there I will not see life the way I see it now, and I will not be able to see how many wonderful things you are doing in my life and what is happening to me is bringing glory to your name, and now you are able to use my life, and that is all that matters"

Finally I understand that my life is His, my life is to be used by Him for His purpose, not mine, the center of my life is Jesus, to serve him and allow him to use my life to bring glory to Him... what a difference, do you know how it feels when God uses your life for his purpose? it is the most precious gift that you can ever receive! For the first time in my life, every time I open my eyes in morning I wake up with a big smile on my face, with so much joy in my heart that I cannot describe, praising God for one more day of life, that I can open my eyes, move my arms and legs, that I can turn and kiss my daughter and love on her, pray with her and tell her how much God loves her and teach her how to praise him... We take life for granted so easily, every day is a gift from God.

This is the first time in my life that I feel the presence of the Lord in my life, so close that sometimes feels like He is sitting next to me, walking around with me holding my hand... incredible... I just start crying every time, not because of sadness, but because of joy.

Now, I have no clue what's to happen next, I could get hit by a car today and that will the end, maybe I will have to have surgery soon, maybe the Lord will heal me, maybe the Lord will take me home soon; but, I am at peace, peace that only God can give, whatever His plan is I am at peace with it, and ready for his will to be done. I am so glad our sovereign God is in control of everything!

I love life, my daughter... but she is not mine, she is God's and I trust if God takes me home, He will take care of her, lead her on his path, protect her, provide for her and never let her go.

A few weeks ago I read a book to her, about a Lion King and a raccoon (Adam) the king allows all the animals to play and swim everywhere, except a lake that a current pulls into a waterfall... the mischievous raccoon of course jump in the water and is pulled on the waterfall, friends tried to help him, but they couldn't ... the king jumps into the water and saves the raccoon, but the king dies in the attempt... everyone is sad... and suddenly, out of the bushes there is the king! the only thing the king asks the raccoon is to follow him and obey him from that point on... I explained to Bethany that the King is Jesus, that we are all sinners and disobey, etc, but Jesus gave his life to save us, shed his blood for us so that we can have eternal life... she got the point..I asked her if she wanted to accept Jesus in her heart, she said "yes mama" she prayed with me... Do you have any idea what that meant to me? I strongly believe that when you get the concept and with a sincere heart you give your heart to Christ, it is done deal, He has claimed you, and you are His forever. you may walk your own way in life, go up and down, but God will never forget about you, and will always keep pulling you his way "Hey, you are mine, time to follow me"... I was 7 when I gave my heart to Christ, I have run away, done my own things, tried to hide from him, etc, but, He has always bring me back to Him, Thank you Jesus for never let me go!