Tuesday, February 9, 2010

"The Lord's delight is in those who honor Him; those who put their hope in His unfailing love" Psalm 147:11

God keeps showing up... Met with the counselor today, what a nice and knowledgeable lady... we bonded very well from the beginning. Focused on Bethany more than anything else and in what is best for her well being. She told me that is crucial to be honest with her, that I need to tell her the truth about my situation, that I have something in my head that is making me sick and the doctors have to remove it to make me better, that I have to spend time in the hospital and that maybe even mommy may die and not come back. She said that if I don't tell her and something happens to me, she will keep resentment in her heart and feel is all her fault, and that in the long run I have abandoned her, because is her fault, because she is bad. The counselor explained to me that at her age is imperative to be honest, at this age they understand sickness and death... if I am not honest or sugar coat things, the outcomes may be bad... if something happens to me, she may blame herself and start self punishing herself... pinching herself, cutting herself, etc... and if she is found by adults doing that and they punish her for doing it, then she will start doing it in secret and will grow up with anger, resentment, guilt in her heart and be one of those poor souls out there that self inflict themselves cutting and hurting themselves to feel better and relieve their emotions... Very informative session... very helpful... she gave me some tips how to break the news to her... so, next Sunday is the D-Day.

God is giving me the strength keep going every day, so many things to do... I am going to see my patients at the hospices this week (my last round of work before absence of leave) and I am so excited, I love my job! I got some little bible keepsakes for my nurses and stickers for my patients, lots of words of love that I know God will put in my heart at the right moment... Can't wait! I pray God will give me the strength to do my job... see... many of the patients I see are on wheelchairs, or bed... so, it is not about just me sitting on a chair and doing dental hygiene... actually many times I have to bend down, reach down to their bed level, get on my knees, a lot of physical work... and because of my situation, believe me... if is not because God is giving me the strength of a warrior, there is now way I will be able to do it.

Besides all these, of course I am trying to spend as much time with my Bethany as possible, picking her up from school, feeding her right, having fun with her, sitting down on the floor with her and playing with her toys acting out bible stories (she loves it).... I am exhausted, but I am so happy. Thank you loving Papa in heaven, you are giving me all these extra-strength to do all these!

Personal Note: I thank God he is allowing me to see how important is to share the gospel with people, not to be afraid of doing it (I have always being afraid of being rejected by doing so), but now I am not afraid anymore!, Jesus was rejected too. I am learning to allow Him to use me, my hands, my mouth, to reach out people that he love so much that he gave his life for them!

Something else I am learning... There are so many brothers and sisters that are going through battles, they need prayers... and I am learning from a good sister from church"Ruth" a praying chair... A friend gave me this huge wicker chair that I was going to return, but... I just discovered is very comfortable, but not too comfortable to fall asleep... it is the perfect praying chair!... when you start praying for people, not just for you and your needs, but for others, it is amazing! confession is that before I had a hard time praying for too long, but the Lord is teaching me how good and refreshing it can be, it is a moment of complete communion with God, lifting people's needs to him, taking time to just be silent and listen to Him, to wait and see what he puts in your heart. It feels so good to cry out the need of others, to grieve with them and feel for them... then, our own needs seem so little, that you laugh about them! Thank you God once again for this whatever thing I have on my head, otherwise I will not be learning so much from you, I will be probably on the same ignorant state of being focus just on silly me. thank you Jesus!